Straightjacket Feeling
by oxyblue
Summary: Clare gets a letter from Eli after nearly two years and the envelope feels like Pandora's Box. Set two years from Eli's graduation. Was inspired while listening to AAR's Straightjacket Feeling.
1. Straightjacket Feeling

**A/N I seriously can not handle Eclare being split. Over it. This was inspired by AAR's Straightjacket Feeling and listened to repeatedly during typing this. I don't own anything ever.** **Review pretty please? I'm trying to decide if this is a one shot or not.**

_"Back me down from backing up_  
><em>Hold your breath now it's stacking up<em>  
><em>Etched with marks, but I can deal <em>  
><em>And you're the problem and you can't feel<em>  
><em>Try this on, straightjacket feeling<em>  
><em>so maybe I won't be alone<em>  
><em>Take back now, my life you're stealing<em>

_Yesterday was hell but_  
><em>Today I'm fine without you<em>  
><em>Runaway this time without you<em>  
><em>And all I ever thought you'd be,<em>  
><em>That face is staring holes in me again"<em>

-**Straightjacket Feeling, AAR**

Clare's eyes darted back down to the charcoal black envelope resting in her lap. For the past hour it had sat burning a hole in her dress. After a few glasses of cheap wine she had almost willed herself to flip it right side up again to reveal the silver letters embossed on the return address.

"Elijah Goldsworthy"

The letter was the first communication they had since his graduation. The conversation had been simple, reconciliatory, and forgiving. Now in college, her mind flickered back to Eli occasionally and she supposed he might do the same. She was able to appreciate the lessons they had shared. Even more she could smile when thinking of his smirks and how her heart would race when he'd kiss her. She hoped he had a similar memory of her.

Clare smiled gently at how the thought of their young love still made her blush sometimes. She still would think of him when meeting a new pair of green eyes. There were even times when she thought of sending him a draft of a paper, but of course never did. She was perfectly over her perfectly charming first love.

Yet here she sat in her old room during Christmas break staring at a letter sent to her home like it was an ancient artifact; an ancient artifact that held some hideous curse like in the old testament. The scarier thought was the letter could contain something wonderful, a chance to reconnect. Clare's brows furrowed as she rolled over her last thought. She hadn't any idea when she'd decided she wanted to rekindle with him.

But why shouldn't she? It had been nearly two years since they spoke. Although if Clare paused she'd have to consider that the wine was speaking currently.

Quickly she poured another glass of wine and chewed her lower lip thoughtfully. She was acting insane. A little envelope had opened a Pandora's Box of possibilities. Clare placed the envelope on her bed and crossed to her closet. Standing on her tip toes while slightly swaying from her wine she felt around for an old shoebox. Plopping on the ground she furiously dug through it for a number long lost through new phones and experiences. She grinned and brought it over to the bed.

The call could be casual, just a check in from an old friend. Or it could be creepy, just a stalking from an old girlfriend. Clare groaned. She was going to ban herself from wine.

She had a glass of wine for the first time with Eli on graduation night. It was this surreal moment at the end of the night. They had found themselves alone and the slightly formal conversation had halted. He had cocked his eyebrow when she produced a bottle from her purse.

"Ms. Edwards, when did you become such a rebel?"

Clare had blushed but attempted to seem cool as she stated, " I apprehended it from my parents."

They fumbled with an equally stolen corkscrew and had to sip from the bottle. Clare had fallen from ideal student to trashy girl drinking behind a wall. After about half the bottle Clare needed to track down Alli and escape the silence. With lips stained red, Clare stood up and went to kiss Eli goodnight on the cheek but he turned and pressed gently against her lips. Clare looked up with confused eyes, but before she could process or ask anything Eli whispered, "Goodnight Clare." He turned and walked back into the party leaving Clare breathless. It was only later she had found a letter shoved in her purse which contained a paragraph from a new story he had begun and the signature "yours, Eli."

Now she bought her own wine and drank out of glasses. She worked on her own stories without his edits and went on dates with boys without eyeliner. Things had changed but Eli's ability to leave her breathless hadn't changed after all this time. Although now it came only in an occasional flash of a memory instead of his fingers tangled in her curls.

Suddenly her heart was filled with courage and she ripped the envelope open, eager for possibilities. Tossing it aside she fumbled with the card stuck in it.

Alli pushed open her best friend's door the next morning and was shocked to find two empty bottles of wine and a passed out Clare. She went to wake her up and ask when she became a wino who skipped out on coffee dates. As she leaned over the bed to the gently snoring Clare she picked up a card stuck to her leg.

_"Elijah Goldsworthy and Sara Black  
><em>_Warmly invite you to share in their wedding"_

**A/N: I love them. I want eclare forever and I don't need flames about it. Review please and thanks.**


	2. Breakeven

**A/N: So I've plotted it out and this will be about ten to twelve chapters. It was going to be a one-shot, but I felt like there was something more. I own nothing. Chapter inspired by Breakeven by The Script. Review? pls/thx**

_"They say bad things happen for a reason_  
><em>But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding<em>  
><em>'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving<em>  
><em>And when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven"<br>- _**The Script**

Eli shifted in the sheets throwing his arm over his eyes to block out the light from the window. He felt the heaviness of sleep pin his limbs to the bed. He hadn't slipped into the hotel bed until around four and even then his mind was racing for hours. Something about the first night back was unsettling. It was strange being back home for the holidays, even stranger that he wasn't in his own bed. Instead he was caged in a hotel room with his fiancé Sara. Just in a handful of months everything had become so different, including him.

He peered over to the side of the bed where she should lay but there was no sign of her. Struggling he sat up and reluctantly let the sheets puddle in his lap. Her phone was missing from the side table so he reasoned she must have slipped out, probably to run some wedding errands. All she thought about was ivory and rose petals these days. She teased him about it claiming he should've given her more than a month to plan it. All Eli thought about was getting through this circus. Of course he could never say that to Sara in fear that her big brown eyes would go glassy and threaten to make him feel monstrous.

Sara was a great girl. She was beautiful with long auburn hair. She was well liked and kind. She never pushed or argued and found Eli's generally tempestuous disposition "artistic." She was majoring in education and attended mass every Sunday morning with little concern that Eli didn't. She didn't need his past, just his future. That was what drew him to her initially. They met at a poetry reading full of phrases that belonged only in a Taylor Swift song. Sitting at the same table she would laugh gently at his snarky comments and hold very few opinions of her own. The relationship was equally agreeable. There were the appropriate landmarks of the 3 month and 6 month anniversary both celebrated with a nice dinner and a glass of champagne. They had date nights and spent a few afternoons a week at various fine arts events. Eli drove the conversations and Sara would participate in her gentle way. A few nights a week they stayed the night together.

Initially Eli found the whole ordeal dull and predictable. There weren't the firey arguments or the combustible sexual tension. It seemed simple, patterned and harmless. It was then Eli realized that this was a normal relationship. This was what he heard about and believed to be myth. He never had to peel back layers and she never needed to dig into him. So when she hinted about their eight month anniversary being a sign of how perfect they were, he had purchased her a ring.

The proposal was genuine. He loved how she had brought calm and normalcy to his life. She loved his laugh and how his biting comments never fell on her.

Even now as he sat in the empty bed he could feel the simple and routine nature of his life with her. She didn't question why he came to bed late and she went about her business without having to inform him. Just a year ago someone could've asked if he'd have married a girl he'd known less than a year and he would have assumed they were on mushrooms. Then again just a year ago he still had the occasional pang from Clare. Now he saw that this is how it was supposed to go and Sara wasn't the type of girl who didn't deserve the pretty wedding she wanted. He wanted her to be happy; he felt she deserved all the happiness he could ever hope to give her, probably more. He let her run off and plan everything with their mothers and he'd occasionally nod when she muttered something about flowers or invitation colors.

Running his hands through his disheveled hair he slumped back into his bed and closed his eyes. Sara would be back soon he reasoned. She always was.

Clare's eyes fluttered open and she glanced at the end of her bed. Alli was flipping through a magazine and humming along to a song in her head. She looked up when she felt the bed shift under Clare's weight.

"Good afternoon sleeping...well I love you, but I'm not going with beauty."

"Be nice to me, my head is broken," Clare whined rolling her eyes.

"It probably was your spectacular booze consumption, are you interning for Dionysus or something?"

"I'm too hung over for you to make Greek mythology jokes."

"Fine, fine. Do you want to talk about it?" Alli raised her hand holding the detonator to Clare's minor destruction last night. Clare's eyes watered as she looked at the seemingly innocuous card held between Alli's two fingers. Alli proceeded to scoot down the bed and held Clare in her arms.

"I know it's been forever but, I just never thought he'd do this so soon or ever. It's Eli for Christ's sake." Clare choked out. Alli's eyes grew wide; Clare was rarely profane especially when it came to using the Lord's name in vain.

"I didn't know he'd be tacky enough to send you an invitation," Alli snorted.

"I'm sure he never thought twice about it. I'm just some old high school friend. The ex girlfriend who wasn't even the first love. And now I'm crazy. He's settling down into lifelong matrimony and I'm crying because of it? We haven't even talked…"

"This isn't meant to sound harsh but why did you take it this hard?" Alli nodded at the empty wine bottles and broken glass.

Clare laughed bitterly. "I thought he was sending me a letter like the last one I got from him. I thought this was him reaching out and," Clare began to break down again.

Alli frowned and pulled Clare in again.

"I am so, so sorry. I'll buy you all the drinks in the world and we'll have a total girl's night tonight. And then in a few days we'll find you an incredibly sexy dress and I'll be the hottest date at the wedding."

Clare jerked away. "Alli you're insane if you think I'm going to that."

"Clare you have to. It's part of the whole ex moving on thing. You go there and prove how over him you are while I simultaneously point out how ugly he's gotten and that his new girl is a bitch. Besides you've been over him right?"

Clare nodded slowly unsure what her mouth might betray if she opened it.

"Great, so a girl's night to get over the shock and you'll be back to normal. I promise. Now get up and shower before I hose you down."

Clare smiled and slipped into the bathroom. Her face fell as she turned on her shower and let the hot water attempt to undo last night's damage. If she was so over him why did her heart feel like it was in the pit of her stomach?

"Those drinks better be huge," Clare thought as she let her eyes drift closed and willed herself to think of anything but him.

**A/N: So I got a p.m about why I chose not to use Imogen vs. an o.c. I already have no interest in her b.c I'm pretty sure her and Eli will swap spit. Also because she hasn't been introduced into the episodes I'd have to be making up enough besides her name to make her an oc. I also didn't want the fiance just to be a raging unlikable bitch, and if I based Imogen just off her desciption as a liar and manipulative that's what she'd be. Anyways reviews? Pls and Thx.**


	3. Everything You Want

**A/N So I was recounting my plot points/song list and I think I actually have 14 chapters not twelve. The whole story is going to span about a week- week and half. Thank you for those who review, it really makes my day. Specifically this chapter is dedicated to_ ilovetaylorswift13_ who gave me the idea to expand this from a one shot. It also gives me confidence that this story isnt terrible or unreadable when I see a review since it's my first multi-chapter fic. This chapter's inspiration song: "Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon. Again, I own nothing. Reviews prettiest of the please? pls/thx**

_"You're waiting for someone_  
><em>To put you together<em>  
><em>You're waiting for someone to push you away<em>  
><em>There's always another wound to discover<em>  
><em>There's always something more you wish he'd say"<br>_-**Vertical Horizon**

Sara opened the door as quietly as she could. She had felt Eli come to bed really early in the morning the night before and knew he must be exhausted. She smiled as she saw him entangled in the sheets like a little kid. He was this incredible mix of reserved mystery and a playful child. She loved him for it. Though she never pressed for more about his past, she had spent eight months finding every smile more endearing and every dagger sharp opinion exhilarating. Sara had been in and out of long relationships for as long as she remembered. They were similar to the one she shared with Eli except with him she found herself happy to be in the shadow of his bigger personality and enveloped by his secretive nature. She knew shortly in their dating that he was special and she hoped he felt the same about her. She was actually surprised that he picked up on her hint about proposing. Her mom was married at a young age and most of her childhood friends were also engaged. In her mind it was what simply followed next in a smooth relationship. Besides they both said they loved each other and what more did you need?

Grudgingly she had admitted she would've liked more time to plan it. It made her feel anxious, as if Eli didn't really want this with his desire to rush through the process. Almost though he was just appeasing her, but his lost looks when she talked about fabrics and his hasty exits made it more likely he just didn't like wedding talk. He said over and over he just wanted her to have exactly the wedding she wanted. It was the sweetest thing any man could do. CeCe had picked up his slack and assured her it was probably better that way. It made her feel bad having to guess who to invite from his home town but she figured whoever he really wanted to come was probably in the wedding party. It had all shaken her fear of his doubts. Sara slowly climbed into bed and pressed her lips against Eli's temple.

Eli burrowed deeper into the comforter as he felt the bed move. He was in a hazy state between awake and asleep; confused by the blurry shape near him. His mind was lazy, unable to process where he was. He rarely dreamt anymore but even better he never had nightmares. It was a change he appreciated from his high school days. However, he found his mornings were a confusing wash of adjusting between a waking sleep or waking life. As the blur pressed light kisses across his forehead his mind cleared and he pulled a smiling Sara into him.

"You've got a fitting today," she whispered in his ear. Eli groaned and pulled her closer.

"That's not changing even if you are hibernating."

Eli slowly started to sit up and released her from his arms. Sara bounded from the bed to pick up a bag she brought in. She handed it over to Eli. "Food. You haven't eaten since we got in town. Are you that stressed by ruffles baby?"

Eli rolled his eyes, "I'm practicing solidarity with all men by refusing to participate in your talk of fabrics. This is why I always have Adam at the ready."

Sara placed her hand on his cheek. In that moment it felt perfect; her and Eli sharing their morning together. It was effortless. He looked in her eyes and raised an eyebrow questioning her stare.

"I'm just so happy," Sara answered "this is perfect."

Eli smiled and kissed her hand before returning to the bag in his hand. Sara ruffled his hair and headed towards the door.

"I've got to go to the cake tasting, are you sure you won't come?"

"I'm not really into cake, besides it's your day. I want you to have the cake you want. I want you to have everything you want."

"It's our day. But that's very sweet." Sara blew him a kiss before grabbing her purse.

Sara slipped out of the door and Eli sighed. The day this wedding was over would be the best day of their lives. He wanted this only because he wanted this woman who had been so great to him to have it. He hated this ceremonial, gratuitous nonsense. He was never a show man except in his writing and there he'd learn less is more. This was the exact opposite mantra of this wedding day. It loomed in the distance, just three weeks away growing more extravagant daily. Eli stretched and stumbled out of bed to find a pair of pants. Looking at the table he saw there was a pair set out for him by Sara. He smiled, she always did these things for him, from bringing him coffee or laying out his books for class. Picking them up to slip on, he noticed her ever expanding wedding binder got left behind. He flipped open to the date book to see when his fitting was. Finding it, he scribbled it on his hand and continued flipping through the book arbitrarily.

It was the first time Eli was seeing any of this wedding he was going to be in. Lazily he glanced through the pages which were chock full of pictures and frenzied writings. Bright colors seemed to be everywhere and a multitude of different roses.

"How many colors do roses even come in?" Eli muttered. He paused when he saw their invitations were black, clearly a concession made for him. Skimming down the list he felt his heart drop.

_"Clare Edwards"_

Eli's head started to spin. Those two small words were scribbled with no more importance than apples on a grocery list. There was absolutely no way he would have invited her to this. He knew it must have been CeCe. Sara didn't even know about Clare besides she was in his English class years ago. As he felt his tongue dry and his stomach twist in knots he quickly reached for a water bottle and chugged it down. It didn't help and his mind continued to reel. He hadn't spoken to her since he slipped a letter to her with a new story to start editing like when they were writing partners and first in love. It had been his final act of love; he even signed it, "yours, Eli." After he hadn't heard from her he took it in stride. She'd broken his heart before and now he had learned just to shove her to the corner with Julia's memories. In retrospect he realised it was absurd to expect her just to guess he was doing anything besides saying goodbye one last time. He even was able to think back on her and smile on their time together. Occasionally he'd wish to make a blush creep across her cheeks just from standing too close again. Then he'd remember the burning pain they both caused each other and let "Eli and Clare" fade back into just a memory. He even considered emailing her about her current writing if she even still wrote sometimes, but of course never did.

It was only when he met Sara he was able to decide things with Clare and Julia were so messy because they weren't the way relationships were supposed to be. It was true; both relationships had outrageous collisions and devastating outcomes. Even now though, just seeing her name made his stomach do those flips he remembered from being younger. Now he must look like a complete asshole though. He hadn't talked to her after a wine induced kiss in almost two years and then sent her a wedding invitation. She probably was upset.

Eli shook himself from his reverie. He was doing it again, assuming that Clare would have spent all this time just pining over him. He had assumed it during Imogen and then part of freshman year of college. When he'd catch himself he'd be horrified at what an egotistical jerk he seemed like. Especially when he considered that she had ended the relationship because he was acting psychotic. In actuality he had been the one pining away. Only now he knew he was pining away for dysfunction, that bitter pill he thrived on. Without it he probably would never had gotten into writing but now he functioned without the quiet tragedies. He had it all, the loving girlfriend, the stable mental state, and the soon to be perfect marriage. So why did he find it hard to swallow suddenly?

It struck him. It was completely obvious now. He was getting cold feet. He was young and male and promising himself to one person forever. In particular it was the first girl he'd met who hadn't turned out to be almost as messed up as him.

Eli grabbed his keys. First to the fitting and then he'd force Adam to do his best man duties and keep him far from the actual wedding planning and dwelling on a certain pair of blue eyes.

**A/N Just a sneak peak: the next chapter is called Rumor Has It and has our two ladies meeting. Reviews? Yes, please! Also I feel that the characters we know and love aren't ooc, they're just getting older. So much changes just one year out of high school and into university. So have faith, I promise I won't make them act too crazy.**


	4. Rumor Has It

**A/N: Thank you for those who have continued reading. This chapter's inspiration was Adele's Rumor Has It. I own nothing. Please review? It'll make me smile.**

_"She is a stranger,_  
><em>You and I have history,<em>  
><em>Or don't you remember?<em>  
><em>Sure, she's got it all,<em>  
><em>But, baby, is that really what you want?"<em>  
><strong> - Adele<strong>

-+-+-+-+-+-+

"I can't believe you would even bring that into my sightline," Clare groaned as she eyeballed the champagne Alli produced from her sleepover bag. Clare had just finished dressing when Alli returned from her own house.

"It's called celebrating. We're celebrating our first sleepover in college!" Alli chirped as she produced two plastic cups.

"This has nothing to do with feeding me alcohol so I agree to leave my room?"

"A happy side effect," Alli stuck her tongue out. "I've planned a fabulous forget about he who shall not be named -"

"I wish it was Voldemort" Clare muttered and feebly accepted the cup from Alli.

"a fabulous forget about he who shall not be named day," Alli continued as if the interruption had not occured. "We're doing Champagne here, then mani/pedi's. Pedi for you since you'll just chew all your fingernails off. Then we're getting a hot new pair of heels and bar time, with drinks in between if need be."

Clare smiled, "Alli you've got stop living by Cosmo as if it's a bible."

Alli scoffed, "Cosmo has helped many a woman through their hard times in a crazy male world."

"Yeah, nothing like the 50 ways to please your man while tweezing your eyebrows to empower women," Clare countered.

"I'm not hearing this. We're doing it. Deal." Alli was determined and Clare knew she was unstoppable. It was something she always adored about her. She was so smart but then would turn to Cosmo's help column as if it was sent from Olympus. Although Alli's way of solving problems tended to follow Cosmo, she had the uncanny way to make Clare feel like herself again. Honestly, she had already felt a little better after the shower. She knew she was overreacting in a practical sense. If Eli wanted to run off and get married so be it. He didn't owe her anything. It was the other side of her mind. The one that would have read the "tweeze while you please" article that felt this gash of jealously and heartbreak. Though she still felt this pang in her stomach thinking about Eli preparing for matrimony, she felt happy he had included her at all. They had a messy end to the romantic relationship and a confusing end to the friendship.

"Stop thinking about him right now before I teach you 9 toe curling moves," Alli threatened waving her Cosmo around. Alli proceeded to open the bottle and pour them each champagne.

"Here's to our first college sleepover, my fantastic taste in champagne, and forgetting asses!"

"Cheers." Clare couldn't help but laugh and feel immediately better. If Alli wasn't around she didn't know what she'd do. Actually she did. She would be sitting around thinking of messy black hair, piercing green eyes, and wine stained lips. Or about impending nuptials and how she almost called an ex boyfriend without knowing he was engaged. Or perhaps about two for one sales on bottles of wine. With Alli pouring another large cup and gossiping about someone from their dorm she started to feel like it was a normal day.

She had to admit; Alli did have fabulous taste in champagne and had absolutely no issue getting Clare out of her room as predicted. They entered the salon arm in arm giggling before splitting apart for their nail treatments. Clare settled down in the only empty chair and soon an attendant filled the foot tub with water. She glanced around for a magazine and found none. She sighed and wished Alli was by her. It was really nice having a girls day like before college and fabulously distracting as promised. Clare was feeling like she was getting back on solid ground after being thrown by last night's cyclone. She hadn't even thought of the dreaded E-word. She looked over at Alli attempting to garner her distraction by flashing a Cosmo. Clare rolled her eyes, it was inescapable with her. The attendant brought a row of nail colors out for her to pick from.

"That one," she and the girl next to her said simultaneously pointing at the same bottle.

Clare laughed, "You can have it first."

"We can share. We obviously have great taste," the girl smiled reaching her hand out. Clare wasn't normally particularly excited to touch strangers, but the champagne helped. She reached her hand out and shook the other girl's hand.

"Clare."

"Sara, nice to meet you."

"You too."

"So, you and your friend doing the girl's day thing?" Sara inquired cordially gesturing to Alli who had fortunately stopped brandishing the magazine at the manicurist request.

"Yeah. It's been a long couple of days."

"Tell me about it. I've been running around like crazy and lost half the time because I'm not from here," Sara paused and continued "did you know half of these streets don't have legible signs? I just wander up and down them completely clueless. I was looking for a bakery and ended up here."

Clare laughed, "I wouldn't eat anything out of here."

"I decided it was better to treat myself to something else as well. I'm just going to force my fiancé to start running these errands with me."

"You're getting married? Congratulations! That's so exciting. Is he from out of town as well?"

"No, he actually went to high school somewhere around here. I feel so awful not knowing where! Not as if I could find it." Clare and Sara laughed. "But yeah, he's from around here, his name is Eli." Sara glowed and continued to speak but Clare couldn't hear anything but the pounding of her heart in her head. The Earth had begun to swallow her and she felt like she might black out. Her fingertips felt tingly, like when she had a panic attack in grade 12. She tried to calm herself discreetly. She looked down at her toes willing the pedicurist to go faster. Halfway through and so close to being able to escape and yet trapped in cordial conversation with Eli's Sara. Her throat felt dry and if she had her way she'd be drinking the foot water. She looked back up to Sara's confused face.

"I'm sorry what?" Clare sputtered out to the nice girl turned horrific reminder of heartbreak.

"I asked if you grew up here," Sara continued politely with no idea she had just twisted her pretty non-chewed fingernail into Clare's heart.

"Yeah, I, uh. Actually think I might be invited to your wedding." Clare stumbled awkwardly. "I'm Clare Edwards?" Clare realized she probably didn't clarify anything but mumbling her generic sounding last name.

"That's such a crazy coincidence! Wait, are you Clare his writing partner Clare from school?" Sara continued to beam, unaware of the gravity of what she just casually questioned.

Clare's eyes narrowed to slits, "Clare the writing partner" seemed to omit quite a few details about Clare and Eli. Sara seemed to notice Clare's strange reaction.

"I'm sorry, was that weird? I guess you two weren't that close, it might be weird for him to invite you to a wedding. I thought it was so cute that he remembered his writing friend from so long ago. Cece said you'd have to come. You know writing means so much to Eli," Sara finished amiably. Clare bit her lower lip and forced a smile as she listened to this girl tell the "little writing friend" facts about Eli. Especially since it appeared he had never mentioned her in any great detail.

"I guess I didn't make the cut that Julia did for being worth mentioning," she thought bitterly. Even more embarrassing was that Cece had invited her. Eli had never intended to ever speak to her again, let alone inform her he was getting married. It was as if Eli completely wiped her from his memory. Suddenly she was back in grade 10 humiliating herself by screaming across The Dot, desperate for his answers. Tears started to prick at the corner of her eyes and her mind raced for any way to turn the subject from herself and Eli as an estranged English class relationship.

Sara was looking at her expectedly. Clare prayed that she hadn't asked a question since her last outburst. Or that she noticed Clare had deconstructed into a barely functioning human.

"Well, congratulations to you both. I'm so happy for him to have found someone after...well, you know, everything." Clare finished as generously as she could.

Sara cocked her head and furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. After a brief pause of contemplation, her eyes lit up. "Oh! You mean his accident freshmen year. He was sort of anti-social because he couldn't get around university well, but we worked past that," she laughed.

Now Clare sat dumbfounded. She had meant Julia, his hoarding, his general inability to find a girl that didn't drive him over the edge. She flicked her eyes down; relieved to see Sara's toenails were almost completely painted. Either Sara was secretly dense or Eli had long since moved past his previous issues. Maybe she didn't think it was polite to discuss too personal of details, but Sara read as a completely genuine and open book.

"Yeah," Clare nodded finally. Whichever it was, it wasn't her business to get into it with his fiancé she just met. It was really odd and Clare really just needed not to feel dizzy and an escape.

Sara stood up and grabbed her purse. She reached her hand out again and clasped Clare's hand. Clare struggled not to yank it back. It was awful how less than thirty minutes ago she was all smiles and happiness just to have someone to chat with. Now she wanted to dip her hands in acid just to get Sara off of them. The same hands that had probably touched Eli this morning. Clare heard her stomach audibly lurch.

"It was lovely to meet you. I hope we'll see you at our wedding. Have a fantastic girl's day!" Sara was all smiles and genuine kindness that Clare had no choice but to politely smile in return.

"It was nice to meet you. Good luck with the bakery."

Just like that she was gone. Clare wanted to vomit on her lap. Not only was this the opposite of distracting herself, she just made friends with "her old English writing buddy's" fiancé. She thanked the pedicurist and shuffled over to Alli who had scarcely turned her head away from the conversation between Sara and Clare.

"Who was that?" Alli asked ready to absorb whatever gossip Clare was about to reveal."Clare are you ok? You look a little pale."

"I'm fine, great even. " Clare started on the verge of hysterics, "Turns out she and I shared a fondness for frost pink nail polish and green eyed boys who write gory fiction." Alli's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open in understanding.

"Yeah, I just met Sara. As in "The Sara" and I was so busy not thinking about Eli my brain didn't even think, "Hey! this could be "The Sara."

"Of all the gin joints in the world, jeez" Alli replied, her face completely shocked.

"I know. Here's the crazier, more insulting thing. She had no idea about me besides the fact we took English together! Like there weren't 20 others in the class. Or like we weren't entangled in a relationship in which he ended up hospitalized!"

"No!" Alli's mouth formed a disgusted scowl. "He is two seconds away from getting an anonymous pipe bomb."

Clare sighed and shook her head at her best friend trying to think where Cosmo suggested that. "The strangest thing is when I mentioned how happy I was for him to have found someone -"

Alli snorted, " …are you kidding me?"

"Look, it's what you say. Besides I was in panic mode! Anyways, I was saying how happy I was he could find someone after everything -"

"And by everything you mean his inability to not have crazy explosive relationships and hold on to every toothpick or tissue he used," Alli spit out.

"Alli!" Clare couldn't help the old reflex kick in to defend him. Alli raised an eyebrow.

"O.k , in a nicer way than that, yes. And she thought I was talking about some injury he got when he was a freshman in university, which would require me to be psychic as we've never talked since he's graduated, which she appears to know."

"That's so weird. Maybe he got super sane?"

"Alli, he wasn't crazy."

"First and utterly foremost, he was a little crazy. Two, stop defending him old English class buddy."

Clare sunk into herself. Alli was right if he couldn't even mention her in more than one sentence, she didn't need to bother defending him here. "Anyways, this has been the exact opposite of helping me forget Eli."

Alli smirked, "I am not letting you get out of this girl's day Edwards. Suck it up. I'll just up the ante. We're paying and I'm taking you to buy shoes and some pre bar drinks. Which I realize sounds ridiculous so I've changed their name to "dinner""

Clare shook her head moderately horrified. She didn't drink this much normally. "Shouldn't I stay out of heels if you're going to obliterate my memory? I feel like my coordination might go first"

"We'll get you low ones. Beauty is pain."

"Maybe you can give me a shot of whatever Eli's been having," Clare joked feebly.

"Look at that, Clare snaps back! Let's go. The best thing that came from this besides a fierce pedicure is we can avoid her from a distance now and you're cuter! His loss."

Clare rolled her eyes and followed her friend out as she started to babble on about leather wedge booties she had her eye on; an obvious tactic to distract Clare. Clare couldn't help but let her mind roll over the current betrayal. For someone who had crashed a vehicle over her, he seemed to have no recollection of her past 5th period English. It hurt her feelings, but she was intrigued as well. Had Eli simply moved on from his younger issues? They hardly seemed like they had a psychological statue of limitations. Could he have fallen in love with such a non-descript girl, one who seemed so normal and put together? Maybe, Eli wasn't the boy she knew and she loved anymore. There was something oddly comforting in that notion, but it didn't detract the fact she felt abandoned by the Eli she did know all over again.

**A/N Next Chapter is "Love the Way You Lie"**


	5. Love the Way You Lie

**A/n I own nothing at all. Love the Way You Lie is by Rihanna. Sorry for the wait. I decided to go ahead and type the whole piece out so that I could just upload at will. Now I'll just be uploading based on if people are reading this and enjoying it. If it's not being well recieved I can just keep it to myself is my logic. As opposed to taking 6 months to type out chaptered story that should take like one month. ALSO I CANT EVEN HANDLE THE NEW SEASON OF DEGRASSI" YA'LL DRAMA. please review!**

_"On the first page of our story  
>The future seemed so bright<br>Then this thing turned out so evil  
>I don't know why I'm still surprised<br>Even angels have their wicked schemes  
>And you take that to new extremes<br>But you'll always be my hero  
>Even though you've lost your mind"<br>_

**-Love the way you lie- Rihanna ft. Eminem  
><strong>

"You look like a waiter in a restaurant we couldn't afford to eat at," Adam scoffed as Eli revealed his tux.

"Fuck you. It's not my choice," Eli countered. Sighing, he faced the mirror and begrudgingly admitted that Adam was right. He felt like he was stuck in a groom cut out from a bridal store, it felt so surreal. Adam's snickering broke him from his contemplation.

"How is this not your choice? Why didn't you just pick something out you wouldn't look like an impossible tool in?"

"I'm not into this stuff, I just let Sara handle it."

"Dude, it's you wedding! It's a two person thing; which by the way I can't handle the fact you're getting married. It's so crazy"

"I know, I know"

"But I guess when you know, you know right?

"Sure" Eli replied distractedly.

"Eli try to contain your excitement" Adam retorted dryly.

"I'm just not into this dressing up and picking colors crap. That's all" Eli muttered apologetically as he slipped back into the dressing room and started to peel off the layers of the suit.

"Sara seems great thought. She's really nice," Adam continued afraid of appearing unsupportive.

"Yeah, she is really calm, and we never have problems. It's nice. It's like peace." Eli replied truthfully.

"She seems so put together. How'd she handle your dark past?" Adam laughed half jokingly.

"I presented her a slightly edited version..."

"...what does that mean?"

"I just left out pretty much everything except for you from my pre university life."

"So you told her absolutely nothing about you?"

"That's not fair. She knows a lot about me now. She knows about my passion for writing, she knows a lot about my family. And she knows every story in the world about you. I just thought it would be easier to omit the messy stuff. And it's worked out fine."

"Eli you omitted aka lied to the woman you're supposed to marry?"

"Sin of omission. She's catholic, " Eli joked before turning serious, "and Adam have you not noticed how completely balanced and put together I've become?"

"Well..yeah"

"Well that's because of Sara. She's brought this peace in my life. Like this break in the storm"

Adam thought about how the eye of the storm always meant danger but noting Eli's increasing agitation swallowed down the urge to comment.

"And a girl like that, she deserves better than having to shovel through my old shit. And I've sorted through it myself." Eli finished with a level look at Adam.

"Easy there. If you're happy and she's happy, then I'm happy. Besides what do I know about relationships? What I do know is I've somehow gotten tricked into also wearing a penguin suit."

"I'm sorry Adam," Eli mumbled guiltily, "I've been tense since I've gotten back in town. I've sort of shoved alot of this stuff in the back of my mind. But it's hard to ignore it -"

"When it's everywhere? Well have no fear, you have the best part of high school right here."

"Ill fitting clothing?"

"Bite me, I meant me you ass."

Eli checked his phone as it vibrated in his pocket. He read a text from Sara conveying her utter inability to find anything in the town.

"I need to track down Sara and help her find a bakery, are you ok here?"

"Well I've managed to dress myself almost 100% of the time without having to call you for assistance so I'll probably make it. Do you want to maybe grab a bite or something later if you can tear yourself from your lady?" Adam teased.

"I'll see what I can do."

Sara looked like a lost puppy when Eli found her. She was looking back and forth annoyed as the snow began to drift down. He turned her around and pressed a kiss to her lips.

"You ok there?"

"I'm not. I've been lost for way too long today and all I've managed to accomplish is get really cold and a pedicure."

Eli shook his head and pulled her in for a hug while peppering kisses on the top of her head. Sara started to relax into his hug and nuzzled closer to him. Eli stroked her hair for a few moments before bringing her face up to look at him.

"Now, do you want to get somewhere warmer? We can just call the baker and explain the situation so you can reschedule. It's going to be alright, I promise."

Sara looked up with glistening eyes and nodded as Eli hailed a cab to take them back to their hotel. Once in the room, Eli took Sara over to the bed and tucked her in.

"Better?"

Sara nodded and pulled him down next to her and entangled him in a hug.

"So tell me about your adventures?" Eli gently inquired as he stroked her hair.

"I didn't find the bakery, but I did meet one of our wedding guests."

"One of the many relatives I didn't know I had I'm sure" Eli murmered nuzzling into Sara's hair. She responded with a gentle sigh and ran her fingers through his hair.

"I got a really great pedicure and the girl next to me was your old writing partner." Eli stiffened and pulled up from Sara's grasp. Sara's eyes widened and she shook her head.

"…Clare" Eli choked out.

"What's wrong baby? Cece said to invite her, should I not have? She seemed happy to be coming."

"Happy?" Eli furrowed his brow and tried to shake off his feeling of disappointment at the news. Then tried to shake off the guilt for feeling disappointed.

"I thought you guys hadn't stayed in touch but she knew about your injury from freshmen year."

"Really?" Eli's mind reeled, maybe Clare had been keeping tabs on him, but it seemed highly unlikely.

"She said she was so happy you were getting married after what you'd been through."

Eli's face fell and his heart started beating rapidly, his breath becoming shallow. His skin felt tight, constricting against his bones. Had Clare mentioned anything to Sara? He didn't want her to find out about any of his past, let alone from one of the most jagged pieces from it. Sara looked at him with concern heavily etched on her face.

"Are you feeling well?"

"Yeah. I just. Did you talk about anything else?"

"Not really. She congratulated us and I left. She was on a girl's day, it made me miss Chloe. I'm going to beg her to come a little early." Sara was rambling on without noticing Eli, which was probably good as he was looking a bit like a fish out of water. Clare obviously hadn't revealed anything that startled Sara. When Eli was pulled out of his reverie he noticed Sara quirking her eyebrows up and smiling up at him.

"Sorry babe. Why don't you get some rest? I promised Adam I would catch up with him later," Eli covered for his mental distance from the conversation. Sara seemed nonplused and waved a little as Eli slipped out of the room.

Eli's head was swimming. He needed a drink. He needed Adam. He needed to get the hell out of this town. He bit his lip and chewed thoughtfully, maybe Clare wouldn't show. He wondered which scared him more, her presence or absence. The pit in his stomach seemed to indicate the latter. Eli had made a tiny corner of his heart to keep Clare locked away and now she was threatening to pick it apart. He shook his head and threw his thoughts to the side while texting Adam to meet him at a bar downtown.

**p.s obsessed with love the way you lie for the last half of season 10 eclare story. review!**


	6. Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

**_A/N _Still don't own anything. Fall Out Boy's Thnks Fr Th Mmrs is this chapter's inspiration. Thank you for those reading, it makes me smile. I really enjoy this story, it was fun to write. Please review? prtty please? [sugar/splenda on top]**

_"Get me out of my mind and get you out of those clothes_  
><em>I'm a liner away from getting you into the mood.<em>

_One night and one more time_  
><em>Thanks for the memories<em>  
><em>even though they weren't so great<em>  
><em>"He tastes like you only sweeter"<em>  
><em>One night, and one more time<em>  
><em>Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories<em>  
><em>"He, he tastes like you only sweeter" "<em>

- _**Fall Out Boy Thnks Fr Th Mmrs**_

Dinner consisted of appletinis and one shot of something on fire. Clare fidgeted with the lime on the rim of her glass. She felt comfortably numb, the pain of colliding with Sara subsiding into a fuzzy blur of intoxication. Alli eyed Clare closely, scrutinizing every move she made. There was a weight on her friend's slight frame she hadn't seen before. She seemed laden with exhaustion, worry flickering on her face.

"Clare remove all thoughts of Voldermort from your mind right now!" Alli rose her voice over the clattering of dishes around them. Clare jumped slightly, startled by the intruder in her personal reverie of relationships past. She bent her head guiltily, averting her eyes from Alli.

"I'm sorry," Clare mumbled as she twisted her hands in her lap.

"We came out to help cheer you up, but for that to happen we need to wipe the Sara right off of you. I'm about to order another round of fire," Alli threatened.

Clare blanched. She had already burnt her lips because she put the shot glass to her mouth after blowing out the flame, forgetting how hot it would be. She had no interest in ever putting scalding glass anywhere near her again. She grinned slightly at the thought. Before tonight she never would have made that a life rule.

"If you order another round I'm going to leave you here with the creepy bus boy," Clare retorted and stuck her tongue out. Alli's eyes widened at the thought of the strange boy who had been circling their table despite the lack of dishware. However, she felt calm seeing Clare start to relax. Truthfully a gentle haze was blanketing Clare's mind as she let the vodka seep into her system. Her mourning over Eli had lessened its grip on her considerably. She decided she would be detoxing for the next two months after these past couple days of self medicating, but as she glanced over at Alli animatedly discussing her new shoes her heart swelled. She couldn't ask for a better friend. She knew that Alli thought her behavior about the Eli situation was absurd and irrational but still wanted to support and cheer her up even if it meant a swift kick to their livers. Admittedly Clare knew she was acting slightly crazed. It would appear after all this time the first love of her life still had the ability to make her lose her mind. She just couldn't process the idea of him getting married and to a girl who appeared to know nothing about crazy-Eli.

"Maybe he didn't talk about his past because any sensible girl would've run the opposite direction. Face it, Eli is like a storm." Alli spoke realizing if she wanted any fun from Clare she'd need to tackle the angst ridden guy liner elephant in the room. She knew the question had been gnawing on her and to a certain extent Alli found it interesting. It seemed that someone who thrived so much on his dark past wouldn't take to wiping it away. Then again people change. Alli didn't care one way or the other about Eli's mental stability, but she cared about Clare's. Tonight was going to make her smile and forget about Eli even if Alli had to beat him out of Clare's mind; with an empty bottle of vodka.

"It's weird because you see it building but you don't realize how serious it is until lightning strikes your house." Clare mused. She was grateful for Alli attempting to address the Eli mystery but knew she needed to be fair to her friend who so desperately was trying to have a good time with her. She beamed up at Alli. Eli and Sara had ruined enough of Clare's life and it was time to be grown up and move on. She was damned determined to have fun tonight even if she didn't remember some of it tomorrow morning. She always enjoyed mysteries.

"Wow that simile went on way too long. Someone is feeling better to be waxing poetic?" Alli inquired with a quirk of her eyebrow. Clare had physically perked up already. It appeared she just needed the whole ordeal acknowledged before she moved on in the night, Alli pondered.

"I think drunk Clare is taking over. She can't be trusted," Clare stated laughingly thinking of her spectacular university adventure involving a poetry slam and tequila. She still got hell from their dorm floor for her performance that night.

"Not around a bottle of tequila at any rate."

"Shut up! You're the one who dragged me out that night and now tonight. I think the common flaw is I let you influence me!"

Alli smiled and waved down the waitress to pay the tab as Clare threw her lime at her. It was time to make tonight a drunken blur for her best friend.

"No fucking way."

"I can't believe it."

"No fucking way."

"Yeah..."

"But seriously."

"This is my life."

"Out of all the gin joints!" Adam's mind was blown. He couldn't imagine how weird it must be for Eli knowing his big ex had met his future wife. He looked at Eli who was slowly unraveling at the bar. He looked like he had seen a ghost. He was probably petrified Sara would find out he'd been hiding stuff. Even worse was that Clare got invited to a wedding without Eli's knowledge; after two years of not talking that would be quite strange. At any rate the situation was such a bizarre coincidence with a dash of awkward beyond reason that Adam could scarcely believed it occur.

"You see my dilemma then," Eli stared up at the ceiling. His life was absurd decidedly.

"Well did you tell her anything?" Adam questioned.

"No, but I think Clare could've made things pretty sticky if they had talked more," Eli knew if the conversation had gone differently he wouldn't be allowed in the hotel room let alone the wedding.

"Totally called it. Better to be honest or-"

"Adam you never called this. Seriously what are the odds of them running into each other? My life."

"Maybe it's fate. Like a sign that you should tell Sara about the other half of your life you've conveniently edited down to a class schedule and me."

"Oh yeah. You're probably right. Hey how about I also accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior and give up drinking. I'll also attempti to forge a career in the footsteps of my new favorite author, Nora Roberts," Eli responded bitterly.

"O.k obviously you disagree," Adam laughed and shoved Eli's arm.

"You caught that?" Eli muttered.

Adam raised his hand signaling the bartender for another round. Eli slumped into his slight frame.

"Yeah Jake, make that a double," Adam called out as he eyed the dejected figure next to him. Eli was taking this whole situation really hard and Adam couldn't figure out why. Sure it seemed really uncomfortable but not quite the "obliterate your memory with booze" situation Eli was currently making it.

"I'm so screwed," Eli confessed avoiding Adam's eyes.

"Dude she doesn't know anything. Just shake it off as bad luck and start planning your bachelor party with me man." Adam pulled out a pen and started making a list on the napkin in front of him. He wasn't going to let Eli feel any guiltier for his lies to Sara, he'd just distract him.

"It's not that…" Eli spoke slowly and decisively.

"I promise it won't be like that kegger. That is the last time I trust Riley's football buddies. I still don't know what happened to that American chick who crashed that stolen golf cart into the house."

"Not the party," Eli fumbled out.

"Then what?" Adam peered at Eli who was shiftily avoiding his scrutinizing looks.

"It's Clare."

"Oh yeah, that's super awkward. But you know Clare wouldn't say anything weird. It's not her style," Adam assured.

"Well awkward is the least of my issues."

"You think she's going to come to the wedding and cause an issue? She said she was happy for you guys. That hardly sounds like a danger to wedded bliss. Although I read on her Facerange that a little tequila makes her a regular Jay-Z, so post open bar keep her from the mic." Adam chuckled, thinking about innocent Clare drunk and sassy in public.

"That's the thing. It's her congratulating us and coming to the wedding all smiles."

"Did you want her to be a bitch about it?" Adam furrowed his brows in confusion. He had no idea where this was coming from, Clare wasn't cruel or vindictive.

"No. I'm just," Eli struggled with something he was thinking. Adam could see the battle across his friend's face. There were words rolling around his mouth and Eli chewed his lip attempting to keep them back. After a few moments of silence he looked over at Adam and mumbled guiltily," I'm just disappointed she's not sad that I'm getting married."

"Dude, that's sick. Why would you want her unhappy?" Adam snapped. He may have let his friendship with Clare fall to the side in favor of Eli but he had no interest in watching her fall apart again and certainly not at the hands of Eli…again.

"It's not that!" Eli's eyes widened in shock; He'd never want to hurt Clare…again.

"Then what?" Adam questioned, his face softening at Eli's manic jittering. He hadn't seen him like this in years. It was a mixture of frightening and piteous.

"I've had this pain since I came in town. I thought it was anxiety or I don't know regret. Or fear of being caught by Sara, but I figured it out this morning. As soon as I saw Clare's name it made sense"

"Ex's bring out the worst in us. I get that. Fiona still gets slightly mental anytime we run into each other on campus."

"It's not about ex or not ex. It's her. Dude. I'm afraid." Eli stopped and started scratching the bar in front of him. "I'm worried." Eli stopped again, struggling to decide to continue or not. The guilt was eating him alive. He felt disgusting and pathetic; scummy. Finally with a resolved look he choked out, "I'm afraid I love her still."

Adam's eyes went wide. "Jake where the fuck are those drinks?"

"I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but my taste in shoes is impeccable. You look so hot," Alli stated as her and Clare slipped out of the cab in front of 86 Bar. Clare's face was slightly flushed from their dinner drinks and she felt a gentle tingling in her fingertips. Alli's hair had begun to fall from her updo, allowing loose tendrils to frame her tan face. She led the way in the bar and pulled Clare to a corner booth. Waving her hand she motioned over Katie.

"Hey ladies! Home for break?"

"Absolutely," Clare replied.

"Two shots and a round of appletinis," Alli stated with a Cheshire grin over at Clare.

"Nothing that involves fire please" Clare begged Katie her eyes recognizing the plotting in Alli's eyes.

"I promise you a pyro free shot of vodka," Katie smiled sympathetically at her and rushed over to the bar.

"I am so ready to dance. I'm so happy you came out with me!" Alli shouted out over the music.

"Me too," Clare responded truthfully. "Doing this was the best thing for me. I'm having fun with my best friend and only received one injury!" Clare taunted.

"As of now," Alli snorted.

"You're the one I recall falling out of the car over fall break after a few too many missy," Katie teased Alli as she placed their drinks down. "Cheers ladies."

As Katie shuffled off Alli looked at Clare with a daring raised eyebrow, "bottoms up."

Clare coughed a little as the shot burned down her throat. She realized all too quickly that Alli had planned this. The only chaser in front of her was the appletini. She glared at her friend as she chugged the tini.

"There's a special place in hell reserved for you and your obsession with getting me plastered in two minutes."

"Yeah me and Lucifer will play strip poker while you rap," Alli's eye lit up. Clare followed her gaze to Drew who was approaching the table.

"Go, I'll join you out there in a second."

Alli flashed a grateful smile and scurried over to her old ex for a dance. Clare giggled to herself. She was feeling good. She was feeling fun. She finished Alli's drink for her and slipped out onto the dance floor, practically glowing.

"Are you sure it's not cold feet?"

"Yes. I don't know. I just can't get her out of my head."

"Are you going to leave Sara?"

"Are you insane?"

"Guessing that's a no. Well if you don't love her dude…that's fucked."

"I never said that. I'm just really confused and I feel like a complete asshole to Sara for even thinking about Clare still."

Adam went to reply but was interrupted by a pair of hands snaking around his waist. Katie's hands were tugging on Adam's shirt as she flashed him a wolfish smile, devious and dangerous. Adam looked at Eli pleadingly. He needed to be here for Eli but he didn't want to have to turn down Katie for a behind the building grope. Eli rolled his eyes. "Go. I'll wait for you." Adam practically sprinted, tugging Katie behind him.

Drew's eyes widened in surprise as Clare threw back another tube shot and continued dancing without even a pause. He was even more surprised when he felt lips on his neck. Alli grinned up at him peering at him through her lashes. Drew responded by dragging her to their booth for a make out session. Alli looked guiltily over at Clare.

"I think she'll be fine for a few minutes…she seems to be having a great time."

Alli went to contradict him but he pulled her close and began to kiss her bottom lip for entrance to her mouth.

Clare shook her head at her friends in the booth and grabbed another shot. Throwing it back she let the warmth fill her from mouth to her stomach. Although she didn't feel sick she did feel something else. With a painful and embarrassing urgency she realized she needed the bathroom now. Quickly she pushed towards the back of the bar.

Eli looked at his watch. He sighed, a little frustrated. Adam had plenty of time to get Katie and three other girls off at this point. He stood up and scanned the bar for Jake. He walked down the length of the counter peering into the back room for Jake. Unable to see him he turned around quickly and a little drunkenly crashing into another patron.

Clare had just stepped out of the bathroom when she stumbled. She shook her head and went to stand up. A hand reached down to help her up; she took it and felt her heart race. A fiercely thrilling sensation taking over and making her skin come alive. Blue met green in a gaze of shock and fright.

Clare's hand felt like it was on fire. A strange inability for her brain to function or process what was happening overtook her as she chewed nervously on her lower lip. Eli looked like he was going to be sick or run away. Clare imagined she looked similar. She went to open her mouth but the pad of his thumb found itself on the corner of her lips. Eli was horrified and excited and felt his stomach twisting harshly. The silence was excruciating as he vaguely realized her small hand was still clasped in his. His mind wasn't working, couldn't work.

She flushed as his thumb brushed a piece of hair from in front of her eyes. Her heart began beating fiercely against her chest. His thumb came back to rest on her lip. Logic was gone; he leaned down and with his breath gently ghosting her fair skin she closed the distance between them falling into a frantic kiss. Vodka mingled with whiskey and thoughts dissolved into desire. Her free hand clutched at the nape of his neck, tangling into his hair causing him to nibble on her lower lip. She gently bit him back and he pulled her forcefully into him. There was no thoughts, no planning, just sex and longing. A familiar touch with a foreign confidence poured from the pair pressed in a corner of the bar. Clare let out a small gasp which allowed Eli to glide his tongue into her mouth. He couldn't remember the last time there was this combustion, this mind blowing craving. A violent passion surged between them as their tongues battled for power in the kiss. A silent desperation took over as Clare attempted to mold herself into his body eradicating all space as a groan rose from Eli's throat. He growled as he felt his jeans constrict painfully under the gentle unconscious grinding from Clare. His hand released hers as he tugged on her hips to pull her roughly against him, creating more mouth-watering friction smirking as she moaned and yanked on the hem of his shirt desperate to feel his skin against hers.

"Eli! What the fuck" Adam spat out causing Clare and Eli to pull apart, shaken and scared. Clare's eyes widened as her mind began to function again. Her eyes welled with tears as she shoved past them.

"Sorry…" She whispered as she ran towards the front door. Alli saw her best friend sprint by her and fearing she was ill, rushed after her.

Eli guiltily met Adam's confused but sympathetic gaze. Adam let out a long exhalation and looked at his shell shocked best fried. This was not good.

It was cold and empty. Miserably he felt an emptiness he hadn't known for years because he hadn't known completion in years.

He was still in love with Clare Edwards.

**A/N: Next chapter:I Don't Love You Like I Did Yesterday. Review? [you want to...or maybe not]**


	7. I Don't Love You Like I Did Yesterday

**A/N: Hey. Own Nothing. Review? MCR's I Don't Love You Like I Did Yesterday was this chap's inspiration.**

_"And after all this time that you still owe_  
><em>You're still the good-for-nothing I don't know<em>  
><em>So take your gloves and get out<em>  
><em>Better get out <em>  
><em>While you can<em>

_When you go_  
><em>Would you even turn to say<em>  
><em>"I don't love you<em>  
><em>Like I did<em>  
><em>Yesterday""<em>

**_-I Don't Love You Like I Did Yesterday MCR_**

Alli stroked Clare's hair softly as sobs wracked her body. Clare was curled up in a tiny ball, shaking uncontrollably. The muscles in her arms twitched from their overexertion and her neck ached from her cramped position. Despite her best efforts, Alli could neither calm her down nor evoke an answer for what had devastated her. Her face was streaked with tears and her eyes were red and swollen. She had leant pathetically on Alli as she was guided from the cab up into her room. She sniffed weakly, her face tender from being rubbed against the rough carpet. With a gasping shudder she let her eyes fall close and sleep assaulted her fragile body.

Adam and Eli sat on a bench in the park. Adam looked at the stony faced Eli next to him and scuffed his sneaker against the snowy ground desperate to break the silence. Eli's eyes glanced upwards as he watched the slow gusts of wind blow through the bare limbed trees. He felt Adam shiver next to him and fold into himself in the cold December air. He glanced over and immediately felt horrendous. Adam sat red faced from the cold with a look of complete sadness.

"Stop. I don't deserve it."

"What?" Adam replied innocently.

"The sympathy; I just tried to fuck my ex-girlfriend against a wall in a bar while my unknowing and trusting fiancé slept mere miles away. I'm an asshole."

"You're not! You made a mistake, a drunken one. And as far as I'm concerned it never happened. Secret goes to my grave."

Eli attempted a feeble smile. "The thing is, I don't feel like she was a mistake."

"Eli. I love you. But you're just going through what all grooms go through. Making it more than it is or throwing away Sara, who you claim to be the best thing in your life…? Sounds like a nasty case of the cold feet," Adam finished firmly and pointedly.

Eli looked over and studied Adam's face. He never thought of himself as a coward, but marriage was a huge step. He could very well be petrified, he reasoned. He smiled at Adam.

"You're probably right man. Thanks," Eli assured Adam with a confidence that betrayed his insecurities and doubts on how correct Adam was. Adam gave him a firm squeeze on the shoulder before standing up to head home. He knew Eli well enough to see through this shabbily constructed facade. Eli was wrecked. Adam felt scared that his best friend was making a mistake continuing with the wedding if he could be like that with Clare. More horrifying was the thought he may very well be in love with Clare and about to walk down the aisle with another woman just because he said he would. Adam shook his head concerned. He didn't want Sara hurt, he didn't want Eli to throw his future away, and he really didn't want to see Clare crumbling into ruins. He wished he had just stayed outside with Katie despite the plummeting temperature. The looks on their faces had been heartbreaking. Trudging through the snow he wished that this night was just a bad dream. He wished he had just stayed at university.

Eli slowly undressed in the dark hotel room; he felt disgusting. He attempted to remove the memory of his betrayal with the removal of his layers, but every brush of his skin was Clare. Every article of clothing hitting the ground was done by Clare's hands. The shiver from the cold air hitting his skin was from Clare's breath. Every small shuffling step he took felt like a colossal bang on doldrums, sure to awaken his sleeping bride-to-be. Better she heard his movements than his thoughts. The longer he had until he faced her, the better. He was trapped and he knew it. He said he'd marry Sara, so he'd marry Sara, but his lips burned with Clare. He smelled her on his hands. He felt her fingernails digging into his back. He could see those big eyes welling up with tears he didn't deserve as she ran off. It had taken every drop of his self restraint not to run after her.

"Glad it showed back up then," he thought bitterly as his mind recalled the pressure of her against his body desperately wanting to devour her right in the bar. He could have used self restraint then and then he wouldn't be in this situation. He looked at the sliver of moonlight streaming in from the crack in the curtains. He could just scarcely make out the form of Sara on the bed as his eyes began to adjust to the dark. Sighing gently he slipped into the bed. He loved Clare. It was the clearest thing in his entire existence. He was especially fascinated by the emboldened and confident woman she appeared to have become. He loved her, he lusted for her and he hated this town. This never would've happened if they had stayed with Sara's family. Eli became resentful, wishing to blame his predicament on anything but his foolishness. He knew better than trying to make someone disappear from your life. They always came back, Julia did. Now Clare haunted him. He had to avoid her for the rest of the break to maintain any hope of his marriage or him not shattering.

Sara awoke as Eli lay next to her. She pushed herself close to him and entangled their limbs together. She felt him stiffen; she furrowed her brow and then grinned.

"Miss me?" She smirked as she felt his erection against her leg.

Eli gulped and took a steadying breath, shame filling his heart, "…apparently."

"I could help with that," Sara purred nipping at his neck. Eli was going to be sick, violently sick.

"Babe I would love that normally, but I'm exhausted," he whispered for fear he'd cry if he spoke any louder. He hoped his voice sounded convincingly tired. Sara seemed to buy it as she simply whispered, "Another time then, I love you. Good night." In mere moments he could see her chest gently rise and falling as she fell back to sleep. He was relieved, but he didn't know what else he could have done. He couldn't let Sara touch him when his situation was caused by thoughts of Clare, not unless he wanted to die of guilt post orgasm. He turned onto his side and tightly squeezed his eyes shut while willing thoughts of Clare away.

Clare was grateful for the pounding in her head when she awoke. Not that she particularly enjoyed searing and unrelenting pain, but the amount of drinks from last night allowed her to sleep deeply without dreams. She knew that had she been sober, Eli would have filled all moments waking and sleeping. Her cheeks flushed as she thought of their encounter last night. What was her problem? She made out with Eli hours after meeting his fiancé. Her lips were swollen from his relentless attack on her mouth. Her lower stomach tightened thinking of his fingers forcing her hips against him and her need to practically rip his clothing off. She groaned internally ashamed at how much she wanted him. More unsettling was her fear of what would have happened if they hadn't been interrupted. Despite the humiliation of being caught and by Adam of all people she felt a sense of relief. Waking up in bed with Eli would have been the worst thing that could ever happen to both their lives. At least that's what she was going to tell herself today.

An ache on her side caused her to roll over gingerly, trying not to aggravate her hangover. She closed her eyes to shut out the morning light streaming in but found her mind racing back to him. The man about to get married, the man she still had incredibly deep feelings for. The mystery of whether Eli was different now seemed solved. He seemed just like the boy she fell in love with years ago, just fenced in. Marriage must be his path to normalcy. Clare felt the desire to cry but found she was too dehydrated to even begin to form tears. The idea that he was going to spend his whole life in a lie depressed her but then she was also mourning her careless behavior, so she felt biased. She still couldn't believe she had touched Eli, let alone an engaged Eli. She wondered if Eli just saw her as a desperate whore; or even worse if he could feel the same about her. The sensible thing would be to ask, except he has a fiancé and a wedding date in less than three weeks.

A shadow fell across her face causing her to slowly open her eyes. Alli had shut the curtains and slumped down next to Clare, water bottle in hand.

"Here," Alli passed the bottle to Clare, "if you have any liquid in you at all I would be blown away. Hydrate ms." Alli carefully searched Clare's face for a sign of explanation about last evening. She hoped it wasn't because she ran off to fool around with Drew instead of keeping it just girl's night.

After a few minutes of silence Clare clamored to a upright position. She took a deep breath and looked over at Alli.

"Please don't judge me?"

"Clare, never. What the hell happened last night? You were hysterical," Alli inquired, concern lacing every syllable.

Clare shook her head embarrassed and proceeded to explain what happened with Eli. Alli's eyes were threatening to pop off her face they had grown so large during Clare's confession.

"So, I proceeded to become mentally unhinged because I'm pretty sure I'm still in love with Eli,"

"…Clare"

"Alli not now. I fooled around with a nearly married man. Oh and I did all this after having not talked to him in years. So I ran away in hopes of perhaps being struck down by God."

Alli let out a deep exhalation, "Shit. Hurricane Eli strikes again."

Clare shook her head again fiddling with her shirt. "Do you think I'm the worst person ever?"

"Clare I could never think that first and foremost. Secondly, it takes two to hook up. Three, you took a risk and that's ballsy. And fourth, you say you've got feelings for him, I'll support you. Even though I think you're playing with something way more dangerous than flaming shots," Alli joked and nudged Clare's shoulder.

"Well no need to support me. There's no way anything like that is ever happening again. EVER. He's getting married and it's not to me," Clare stated firmly. Alli glanced over. It hurt her to see Clare upset and she didn't really care one way or the other about Eli's fiancé, which was probably horrible of her. Then again, whatever drunken groping happened could hardly be a basis to tear apart a nearly married couple. Alli could hardly swallow the idea that Clare played the other woman even just for a moment, it was like an alternate universe. However, these were thoughts she wouldn't be sharing with Clare who appeared to be beside herself with shame as it was.

"You should talk to him," Alli spoke, shocking herself as much as Clare.

"Wow, are you still drunk?"

"I'm just saying. You had an unsolicited public hook up. Words should be exchanged!"

"That is so not happening and I swear if you say one thing about Cosmo Alli I'll hit you."

"Do you love him?" Alli spoke after a few awkward minutes of silence.

Clare's heart sped up and she narrowed her eyes in thought.

"Clare? Do you love him still?"

"…I do. And it's petrifying."

"You're sure? This isn't leftover booze talking or raging sexual hormones?"

Clare snorted and rolled her eyes, "Those may still be in my system, but no. I think I knew since the day I got the letter. I just haven't admitted it."

"Well then you have to talk to him. Clare this could be the last chance you have."

"He's getting married…"

"Which was shockingly a non-issue for both of you last night."

Clare went pale. She inspected her cuticles and let her mind race. She never had an intention on getting in the way of Eli's happiness, but maybe they were each other's happiness.

"Clare, what have you got to lose? Do you want to look back and regret this? Because I promise you that if you really do love him and you never tell him you will. Look I don't love Eli…actually I don't even kind of tolerate him, but I'm not going to let you just sit here and do nothing. Get up, shower and track him down."

"Alli I wouldn't even know where to find him."

"There's like three hotels in town. Call them. Stop making excuses." Alli spoke firmly. She wasn't sure if she was making a huge mistake in saying this to Clare, but she couldn't help it. Her inner obsession with Jane Austen and romantic comedies made her have to trust in love. If Clare loved him, she had to fight for him. Although as Alli sat in Clare's room waiting for her to return she felt a wave of regret. She might be sending Clare out for a miserable bout of rejection. There was every chance she could have just been a distraction for Eli's cold feet. As soon as the thought crossed her mind, Alli felt sick to her stomach. She was an idiot, why didn't she think about that? She quickly unlocked her phone and dialed Clare's number only to hear it vibrating on the floor where her purse from last night lay.

"Damn it." Alli muttered. She looked down at her phone and shifted her feet nervously. Maybe Clare wouldn't find him.

Clare stopped cold in front of the Grand Hotel. Mere ten feet in front of her she saw Sara with her arms thrown around Eli pressing kisses all over his face. He was laughing and swatting at her hands playfully. Clare attempted to flatten herself against the hotel wall nearest to her and willed them to slip into the hotel immediately. She felt the all too familiar sting of fresh tears as she heard a bubbly "I love you" float from Sara's mouth.

"I'm such a moron. I'm a complete tool and kind of a slut and kind of a drunk," Clare chided herself in her head as she closed her eyes and prayed that the burgeoning tears would stay back.

"Clare?"

"Fuck." Clare thought as she slowly opened her eyes. There in front of her stood Sara arm in arm with a very pale Eli.

"Hi!" Clare forced through gritted teeth and a false cheeriness.

"What a crazy coincidence! I'm finally going to find that bakery," Sara chuckled getting closer to Eli.

Clare forced a laugh and heard its hollow sound thud onto the concrete harder than her spirits. Eli furiously inspected the wall behind her. Before Clare politely turned to him and mumbled, "Long time no see. Congratulations, but I actually am running behind schedule."

"You twat, bastard, asshole…" she finished in her head.

"We are too, right honey?" Sara looked concerned at Eli. He seemed sick and detached. Also oddly fascinated by the brick wall. She tapped her fingers against his arm and wondered why CeCe had invited Clare when Eli and her were obviously uncomfortable with each other. They were probably complete strangers at this point.

"..yeah" Eli finally muttered. With a frown Sara tugged on Eli's arm and directed him down the street as Clare rushed off into the opposite direction.

There weren't enough streetlights Eli decided. The person who decided how many streetlights the town needed had never actually been in Canada during the dark winter nights. Eli mused on this as he wandered aimlessly up and down streets with cake flavors far from his mind. He had no idea how long he'd been out walking. He did know his fingers were numb and that a thick, dark blanket of clouds hid the stars from him. He needed to see Clare and apologize. He wanted to wrap her in his arms and make her swear to love him forever, but that was not an option as a bridal cake topper had vividly reminded him this morning. However, he might be able to salvage some semblance of a relationship with her. He didn't want to lose her from his life all over again. He supposed his subconscious knew what he sought because he found himself standing outside her front door. Squelching down his desire to run away he pressed the door bell and held his breath anxiously for the baby blues he loved.

Alli raised her eyebrows at the disheveled boy at the door. "Yes?" She drew out coolly, glaring at him.

"Look I know you probably hate me, but I just need to talk to Clare for a minute."

Alli's face fell and Eli knew she was going to slam the door in his face, probably after shanking him.

"One I don't "probably" hate you, I do. Also, she went looking for you this morning, I haven't seen her, I thought you were with her…" Alli broke off suddenly looking exceptionally worried.

"Have you called her phone? I ran into her hours ago for a moment but…she left. We didn't speak."

"She left her phone upstairs in her haste to see you. And by "didn't speak" I suppose you were with the girl you're actually in a relationship with and once again have fucked up her life. You're a piece of work."

"Yeah I'm an asshole. Noted,I assure you, but we need to try and find Clare. It's the middle of winter and if she's upset there's no telling what she has in her head. Call Adam and you two can start looking with his car. I'll start on foot."

Alli scoffed at his authoritative tone, but did as he suggested. She didn't like the idea of Clare being out alone at night, possibly wasted or scared. She shot one last menacing glare and Eli before shoving him from the door frame and slamming the door in his face.

Eli looked up and down the street nervously. It was already bitter cold and very dark. It was dangerous for her to be out alone and he didn't have a clue where to look for her.

"Clare, where are you darling?" Eli frantically inquired to the empty roads he stood by before starting to jog towards their old school.

**A/N: Hey all. Since I typed the whole thing out already I sorta just update based on how many readers have hit up the current chapter. So I don't get ahead of myself. Anyways, I hope you're liking it. AND OMG !ONEONE! ECLARE DRAMA TOMM. GAME ON.**

**Next Chappie:** **The Scientist**


	8. The Scientist

**A/N: Thank you so much for those who have taken time to review, or favorite or set up a story alert. It means alot to me. Again I own nothing, this chapter's soundtrack? Written while The Scientist played on repeat. Please review? [prtist of da plz's]**

_"I was just guessing_  
><em>At numbers and figures<em>  
><em>Pulling the puzzles apart<em>  
><em>Questions of science<em>  
><em>Science and progress<em>  
><em>Do not speak as loud as my heart<em>  
><em>Oh tell me you love me<em>  
><em>Come back and haunt me<em>  
><em>Oh and I rush to the start<em>  
><em>Running in circles<em>  
><em>Chasing our tails<em>  
><em>Coming back as we are"<em>

**_- The Scientist, Coldplay_**

Adam and Alli both shifted uncomfortably in the car. They weren't aware if the other one knew what had transpired between their best friends and neither was eager to breech the subject. As it was Adam, was white knuckling his steering wheel due to the unforgivably icy roads. Alli was writing and rewriting a list of places Clare might have run off too. Every time she had jotted down a few she let out an exasperated sigh and restarted. Adam appraised Alli from the corner of his eyes. She was anxiously tapping her pen on the paper and tears threatened to flow free at any moment.

Adam coughed to break the silence and Alli clicked her pen in a similar effort.

Adam glanced over at the current list and took a left to head towards Clare's old church. Alli smiled weakly at Adam and proceeded to add another location to her list.

The silence was seemingly impenetrable.

Alli sneezed as Adam slurped some coffee noisily.

The windshield wipers clicked lazily as a gentle snow began to slowly float from the thickly clouded sky.

"So," Adam began when he couldn't spot Clare outside the church but did see a padlock on the doors, presumably to keep out troublemakers. He glanced back to the list. They'd checked most of the bars but there were a couple more they still needed to look into. Adam began to head south, "Maybe-"

Alli cut him off. "Let's just drop this shit. Eli and Clare are driving each other insane-"

"Like usual"

"And now Clare is run off and Eli is self hating-"

"Like usual"

"And we're the ones trying to keep them from going down in flames-"

"Like usual," Adam finished and laughed. Alli rolled her eyes good naturedly and flicked on the radio.

"We must be masochistic."

"We just love them."

"Same thing."

Eli slumped against a wall to catch his breath. Clare was not at the high school. That much was clear after a long,cold search. Snow began to fall and he became increasingly frightened that she was in danger. He didn't jump to the conclusion that she'd be slaughtered in the suburbs, more he feared she'd be ill out in these conditions and they'd never find her. He couldn't forgive himself if something happened to her because of him. He knew he'd have no way to come back from that except swinging from a rope. He kicked the growing snow pile on the ground in frustration.

"Fuck," he shouted as his toe jammed into a chunk of ice. He glared at the inanimate object and shuffled around it. He stood still for a moment trying to think clearly. Adam and Alli would be looking at the bars and churches, the irony of that was not lost on him. They were also probably incredibly uncomfortable because of Eli and Clare's recent transgression. He couldn't imagine that Clare would go to his house, plus he was sure CeCe would at least shoot him a text warning him.

Eli was feeling vulnerable and tired.

"Where are you?" he murmured helplessly; again he received no reply. He would practically kill just to hear her answer. He couldn't stand it. He loved this girl and as soon as he came in contact with her he ruined her life. Eli jumped as he felt his phone vibrate. He quickly tried to yank it from his pocket, almost dropping it into the thickening pile of snow on the ground. He glanced down, his heart racing.

_"Sara"_

Eli chewed his lip, feeling awful. He hadn't even considered calling her to alert her of where he was. She was probably worried and Eli wished he cared more as he pressed ignore on his phone. She got him as a husband; the least he deserved was Clare now. It didn't fail to dawn on him the sick absurdity of his logic. It also became increasingly clear that given the choice between the two women he would throw away the past year with Sara for the empty two years with Clare. His stomach felt heavy and he felt lightheaded. He was the worst possible human treating a great woman like shit.

His face lit up as a fresh location entered his mind and he hurriedly turned down another street. He knew he wouldn't abandon Sara, he would apologize to her tomorrow. He would find Clare, apologize for the drunken collision, and wish her the best. If he confessed his feelings to her and she felt the same it would just hurt more for both of them once he was married. He was sick of making Clare unhappy, it was time he proved he loved her by protecting her. He wasn't going to be selfish anymore. He was going to let Clare have the love she deserved from someone who deserved her.

Just trudging through the snow in search reminded him how awful he was for her. She seemed so fearless in the bar and within moments of him being near he had messed things up for her.

Eli stopped, shoulders slightly shaking from his unsettled state.

Clare felt the bench creak as he sat by her. In her final act of pathetic decomposition she had come to a bench she had once abandoned Eli at. The irony was Eli was here having already abandoned her. She assumed she must be freezing but she felt nothing. Emptiness had taken over her that she was unsure how to begin to fill. She sat shivering too afraid to turn and discover that Eli was simply a hallucination. Another mirage she had created like the chance he'd love her again. Just that morning she had plans to confess her painfully infuriating love that refused to desist after all this time. Outside the hotel she had seen it in his eyes. She had seen the regret and resignation. He regretted touching Clare, he was resigned to seeing her at the wedding despite his disinterest and regret. He loved Sara, she was the mistake. If he hadn't told Sara about his past it was because he didn't think it was important, just another regret. She had imagined some firey passion between them. She had thrown away her common sense in favor of letting her heart win. Clare imagined she would've cried as she had made these realizations sitting on the bench this evening but she felt too cold, too tearless.

Eli's eyes flickered over her form. She hadn't acknowledged him sitting down. Her eyes darted back and forth scanning the buildings in front of them. She was pale except for exceptionally red cheeks. He furrowed his brow in concern as he noted the tips of her fingers turning red. She wasn't dressed to be in this weather and his eyes widened watching her sway slightly.

He reached over and pulled her up like a doll. She didn't resist, didn't agree and just sighed weakly. His heart began to race in fear. He flagged down a cab and mumbled an address to him. All he ever did was hurt her.

Clare was dizzy. She felt sick to her stomach and had a vague feeling of vertigo. There were voices whispering off in the distance and opening her eyes she saw blurry figures she couldn't make out.

"You're pre-med!" Alli screamed at Adam.

"As in not a real doctor," Adam retorted.

"Shut up both of you," Cece admonished causing both to look down at their feet embarrassed. "The symptoms are from her being out in the cold, they look like the onset of hyperthermia, but it's not that serious. You watch too much t.v. She needs to slowly warm up and hydrate. You two need to go to bed and stay away from each others' throat."

Eli had stared ashamed to the floor as Cece removed Clare's top layers and put her in his bed. She raised an eyebrow, "Anything I need to know?"

Eli just shook his head. "Later." His mother pet his head and handed him a flat of water. "Make sure she slowly drinks this throughout the night." She shut the door behind her and went to break Alli and Adam apart who were about to start a war again. In their fear and worry they turned against each other, desperate for any way to release their emotions.

Eli crawled into the bed. He wrapped himself around her frigid frame. He wasn't sure it helped or not, but he wanted her in his arms. Her breath was catching slightly and her skin felt clammy like she had a fever. He pressed his lips against her temple. "I'm so sorry. I love you and every time I come near I have to see you break." Eli felt something he hadn't in an exceptionally long time. He felt the sting in the corner of his eyes from fresh, hot tears. "I love you more than I ever loved anything, and I won't ever stop. I promise." He allowed his confession to fall on her sleeping form, knowing it would be the last time he'd ever say it.

Clare's sleep was surreal. She could hear unintelligible whispering and felt herself being raised up, forced to drink something. It was a restless and broken sleep; she never felt a sense of rest, just a weak inability to stay awake.

Eli stayed up the whole night, relief flooded through him as the sun began to rise. Clare had finally regained the blush he knew and loved. She was sleeping deeper and had stopped sweating. He gathered her tighter in his arms and to his utter joy saw her nuzzle closer to him. He felt a surge of jealousy knowing some other man would get this right. The stab upon realizing after tonight she would hate him made him wince. He stroked her curls and thought about how he'd need to get out of bed soon. The last thing Clare needed was to wake up in his arms. With regret he pulled away and eased her back onto the pillow. He left the bed achingly slow, cherishing the warmth created by them under the sheets. Standing by the bed he leaned over her lips and whispered, "I promise." He lowered himself and brushed his lips against hers.

Then he felt a searing sting enflaming his face, burning pain taking over his thoughts.

**A/N Again- thank you so much for reading. : ) Review? [it'll make you feel good]**

**Next Chapter: Bleeding Love**


	9. Bleeding Love

**A/N: I don't own anything. Thank you for your reviews, they are delightful. Since people seem to be reading this story pretty regularly, I'm just uploading the chapters quicker. It's bittersweet because we're getting into the last few chapters : / Second fanfic ever finishing...makes me feel a little sad. Anyways, this chapter's song? Why it's Leona Lewis! I keep meaning to have an artist from the other motherland [I'm a dual citizen of Canada and USA] but it hasn't worked out that way. Anyways review? [it gives you invicibility...maybe]**

_"But nothing's greater _  
><em>Than the rush that comes with your embrace <em>  
><em>And in this world of loneliness <em>  
><em>I see your face <em>  
><em>Yet everyone around me <em>  
><em>Thinks that I'm going crazy<em>  
><em>[Maybe]<em>

_But I don't care what they say _  
><em>I'm in love with you <em>  
><em>They try to pull me away <em>  
><em>But they don't know the truth <em>  
><em>My heart's crippled by the vein <em>  
><em>That I keep on closing <em>  
><em>You cut me open and I <em>  
><em>Keep bleeding love "<em>

**-Leona Lewis, Bleeding Love**

Eli stumbled back and raised his finger tips to his cheek.

"Don't fucking touch me," Clare hissed, her hand lowering from Eli's face.

Eli's eyes widened at the venom in her voice. She struggled to sit up in her sleep induced haze and inspected her surroundings with disdain. The last place on Earth she had wanted to wake up was near Eli, let alone in his room. She was humiliated as last night flooded back in her memory. She had dissolved into tears after seeing the disgusting display of Sara and Eli. She proceeded to wander aimlessly a small flask of whiskey in hand which in turn had reminded her of bitter kisses in the bar. She finally ended at their bench, exhausted and dejected. It seemed that everything came back to him and it was her fault for letting him infect her again.

It was bitter cold and she knew better than to be out that late at night, but she didn't want to face Alli. Didn't want to face anyone; possibly ever again.

Now that she sat tangled up in sheets that smelled like Eli she felt worse than she had last evening. She couldn't really recall the end of it. She could only assume Eli found her and brought her here.

Eli recovered to mutter, "you didn't mind in the bar" bitterly.

In one short stride Clare's tiny fists were beating into his chest with a surprising strength that shocked Eli.

"You asshole! How dare you bring that up-."

Eli shook himself from the astonishment of her slightly crazed behavior. He yanked her wrists to her sides trying to protect him from the fury induced pummeling. Clare struggled against him and attempted to strike him with her leg causing him to awkwardly pitch backwards. In another circumstance this could have been funny, even endearing. Now it was just pissing him off. Clare whined from the unyielding grip.

"I'll let you go only if you promise not to hit me again," Eli spoke sharply, emphasis on "hit."

"I'm not promising that!" Clare shook her head feeling her skin smoldering with rage. "I can't believe that after all this time I still fell for your stupid fucking eyes. You're a pathetic liar-"

"Who saved you from freezing or being raped you-"

"I wouldn't have been out there if you weren't the same old selfish bastard-"

"Well this selfish bastard didn't make you do anything-"

"Typical, no acceptance of responsibility-"

"Tell me how I made you fucking run away like a fucking seven year old-"

"I thought I loved you and then I saw you with her," she broke angry tears starting to form," you looked at me like you'd never fucking seen me be-"

Eli released her hands in favor of pulling her angrily against him. He crushed his lips against her only to have her bite his lower lip hard enough for him to wince. He tightened his grip on her tiny form as she scratched at his chest desperately trying to pull away. She twisted her face away only to feel his lips begin to assault her neck stopping as he reached the top of her shoulder biting down in retaliation. She jerked her head to face him providing Eli an opportunity to recapture her lips in a clumsy kiss. Clare's hands had turned to fists against his chest but as he forcefully parted her mouth with his tongue they unclenched to slither to his neck. His assault continued violently and Clare struck back by painfully yanking against his hair, her nails digging aching lines against his neck. Eli growled grabbing her by the butt and backing her into the edge of the bed harshly. Her knees buckled against the comforter and she seized his shirt pulling him with her.

His lips were on fire, swollen and bitten by the angry girl writhing underneath him. He pulled back only for her to thump at his chest. He pinned down her wrists above her head and reclaimed her neck biting and sucking bruises against her pale flesh. Clare released a whimper of pleasure and struggled to remove her wrists from their captor; as she bucked upwards ferociously Eli relinquished her wrists only to place his hands against her breasts. Much to her own annoyance Clare reached up to pull Eli back to her mouth allowing one hand to reach to his hips pulling him to lay flat on her. He moaned into her mouth as she thrashed against his hardening length. The angry fighting of their tongues had turned into a more frantic dance. Eli's hands carefully kneaded her breasts and felt his heart beginning to race as her hands sought to tug up his shirt. He sat up enough for her to rip the garment over his head. Her hands journeyed the expanse of his back to twist into his raven hair.

She cried out gently as he revolved onto his back taking her with him. She sat straddled on his lap flushing with blind need. He raised up sprinkling kisses all over her face while pulling her tightly into him as she grinded wantonly into him. He slithered one hand up to start unbuttoning her blouse. Clare's face blushed and went to assist his fingers as his lips carefully pulled her lower lip into his mouth sucking gently. He smirked as she groaned loudly and then nearly snarled as she shoved off of his lap and backed to the other side of the room.

"Clare," he whimpered urgently.

"No..no. Absolutely not. I am not doing this. Here. With you…" Clare panted out, mentally wishing he'd take her anyways.

"It be weirder if it was here with someone else," he smirked coyly as he stood up crossing to her.

"Not funny Eli. You are getting married. I made a mistake once. Well twice. Whatever. I'm not doing it again." Even as Clare asserted it, her own body protested in want. "I don't want to be your puppet."

"Clare if anyone's getting jerked around-"

"What does that mean?" Clare's voice rose angrily at what she believed to be an unfair accusation.

"Not you, it's my fault. The dumbass version of me made my life fucking miserable. Only I didn't know it was, I thought I was happy for once. I thought calm, numb, balance was happy."

"Eli that doesn't make any damn sense and still doesn't change that you've once again left destruction wherever you go, yo-"

"I tried to erase you from my life, but I fucking couldn't. You show up and all I can think about is getting you near me. It's like I'm in high school all over again. I'm engaged to someone just because she wants to be, which is my mistake not hers. She's great but she doesn't fucking know me, which is still my mistake. I'm with her just because it's simple and easy. It's the opposite of being with you."

Clare gasped and felt her heart start to sink to her stomach, heartbreak washing over her again. The anger she should feel at the bizarre statement was lost as she witnessed Eli pacing and stumbling out his confession.

"And I thought, great, finally. But I see you and all I want is to spend every infuriatingly difficult and complicated minute of life with you, because then I'm feeling something. And even when I'm feeling crazy, I'm still in love deeper than I thought I could ever be. I thought it was supposed to be simple but that's not it. Fuck easy. There's nothing in life worth god damn having that's easy if being with you is any example."

Clare stood in shock seeing the agitated Eli's watering eyes. It was too much, it always was, but this choked her. Even as she let her heart lighten in thought that he loved her it didn't change that he was going to get married to Sara. She shook her head.

"Eli, let's just forget this ever happened.."

"I can't. How can that be all you have to say?" Eli cried out horrified.

Clare crossed to him and slipped her arms around his waist. He tipped her chin up as she brushed her lips softly against his, tasting the mixture of saline from both their tears.

"I love you. I love you falling apart, I love you put together. I want to cause both and I want you to do the same for me. I never thought I could feel the way I do with you. You make my life exciting ,scary…passionate. You're everything. I've never _needed_ a person. Then I met you."

Eli smiled against her forehead as he absorbed her nearly whispered confession. A few long moments of silence passed.

"Took us long enough," Eli said lowly, his heart swelling for a moment.

"I love you. And I hate it, because I can't have you. And for you to spill your guts out to me is just another twist of your knife. How the hell am I supposed to feel? You're still engaged, aren't you?"

"It's complicated. I don't want to hurt her because I've been so stupid and selfish-" Eli broke off, he could feel the familiar ache of loss starting to overcome him.

"And me?" Clare cried out miserably.

"I'm so sorry Clare, I never meant for anything to happen. I thought if I could just avoid you or ignore you it would go away…" he broke off pitifully. "And then today…it just came out," he finished in a broken whisper.

Clare looked up at him and wiped the tears from his face. His hand grabbed hers and he pressed his lips to her fingertips. Clare's knees felt weak, all she wanted was to pull him to her and melt together-away; far from this town. As much as she hated it, she saw the fraught sincerity in his apology. He needed her like she needed him. He loved her! She glanced at his hand holding hers, the one that would have a silver band on it in mere weeks but instead of feeling sadness or anger she had a flash of Sara. Her mind flickered to the kind, auburn haired girl who practically glowed when she had mentioned his name to Clare in the salon. The bright grin as she excitedly talked of her wedding day. Her heart ached; she wouldn't break another person's heart. There had been enough pain and tears shed in the name of loving Eli. Knowing the scorching burn of heartbreak herself, she refused to cause it to Sara, an innocent bystander of Eli and Clare's damage.

She loved him and as much as it felt like a dagger slicing up her battered heart, she knew what to do. She'd protect him. She'd save him. She'd let him have the easy, simple lie he had constructed and she'd spare one more person a shattered heart. Love was about sacrifice, and it was time she proved it. She averted her eyes and took calm, steadying breaths.

"Promise you'll keep in touch. My stories could use your eyes every once in a while." Clare's voice sounded concave.

Eli's eyes were glistening as he miserably failed at forging a smile. It was the quietest death of a relationship he'd ever heard.

"Of course," he spoke softly, loss filling every inch of him.

Clare quickly re-buttoned her blouse with a deep blush having forgotten it was open though not forgetting the activities that led to that. She finally reached up to kiss his cheek. Like so many years ago he turned his head to allow their lips to meet one last time.

"Goodbye Eli."

She slipped out of his room in such haste she didn't notice the shuffling noise on the other end of the hallway.

Alli was sitting in her room when she arrived home and grabbed her in a tight hug.

"I'm so happy you're ok. I would be mad if I wasn't so glad you aren't dead!"

"That was the ultimate plan…" Clare joked but as she attempted a chuckle she started to suppurate and fell to the ground with Alli's arms around her.

Eli let out a deep sigh and opened his door. He needed a drink. He was turning to slip down the stairs when he heard a faint, shuddering cry. Peering down the hallway his heart bunged.

There was the slender figure of his fiancé slumped against the wall releasing choked weeping.

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**A/N: I wish you could see how embarrased I get when I try and write even diet smut. Like..I blushed re-reading it. Also pretty sure I'm super bad at it [too awkward] :/ Review? [you'll feel sassy]**

**Next Chapter: I Write Sins Not Tragedies**


	10. I Write Sins Not Tragedies

**A/N: I can not even handle all the reviews and faves and...thank you. I'm seriously giddy. I enjoyed writing this so much and it means the world that you've enjoyed reading it. This chapter's song? PATD! I Write Sins Not Tragedies. That name sort of suits the whole story : ) Reviews? [you might get taller.] **

_"Well in fact,_  
><em>Well I'll look at it this way,<em>  
><em>I mean technically our marriage is saved<em>  
><em>Well this calls for a toast,<em>  
><em>So pour the champagne, pour the champagne<em>

_I'd chime in with a_  
><em>"Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?"<em>  
><em>No, it's much better to face these kinds of things<em>  
><em>With a sense of poise and rationality."<em>

**-I Write Sins Not Tragedies, Panic At The Disco!**

He was going to be yelled at more thoroughly than any human in the history of time had been. At least, as Sara sniffed miserably that's what she had intended when she arrived to his parent's home. It had taken over twenty distressed texts and calls before Adam had told Sara where Eli went. She didn't know if he had gotten drunk or angry last night, but she couldn't find him anywhere much to her dismay. Now she wished he had stayed absent.

"Sara…"

She raised her head gradually and looked up at the form towering over her.

She couldn't make it to his face before she felt the astringent tears descending down her betrayed face.

She had approached his nearly closed bedroom door slightly bemused he was still in bed at this hour. However, upon catching herself grinning she assumed her angry face. He had been gone all night without calling her. She had been terrified beyond comprehension. He needed to get a little grief before she forgave him. Her hand reached for the door knob and she squared her shoulders, hoping she looked intimidating. Then a sweet, female voice floated out of the small sliver of the door's opening.

"I love you. I love you falling apart, I love you put together. I want to cause both and I want you to do the same for me. I never thought I could feel the way I do with you. You make my life exciting, scary…passionate. You're everything. I've never _needed_ a person. Then I met you."

Her heart thumped against her chest brutally as her breathing became shallow. Who was this woman? Silence followed and she felt her hand fall from the door knob, unable to will herself to open it to face whatever lay in wait. The murmuring female voice spoke up again.

"I love you. And I hate it, because I can't have you. And for you to spill your guts out to me is just another twist of your knife. How the hell am I supposed to feel? You're still engaged, aren't you?"

"It's complicated. I don't want to hurt her because I've been so stupid and selfish-"

His voice was rough and cracked like he'd been crying, something Sara had never known to occur. She knew the "her" must be in fact herself. The recognition was a razor-sharp slash to her heart. Sara felt her mind spiraling, she needed to sit down. She needed to breathe. She needed to punch him.

"And me?"

"I'm so sorry Clare, I never meant for anything to happen. I thought if I could just avoid you or ignore you it would go away…"

Sara stumbled to the end of the hall, wilting down slowly. Clare? The writing partner? She almost laughed at the absurdity of this whole situation. She felt like an idiot. In retrospect she could now easily label that tension between the two yesterday. Clare had feelings for Eli. She sunk into herself and began to weep as quietly as she could.

"Sara..." Eli tenderly attempted to break the woman from her thoughts once again.

Sara pulled her legs tightly into her body and rolled over the past hour in her mind. She didn't know where to begin, but she knew she had to. She couldn't stay in the hallway forever.

"How long did you know she loved you?"

"She just said something today," Eli whispered with his head down, trying not to exasperate the situation.

Sara sneered, "I can't believe I liked her." Sara knew she barely knew her, but it was irrelevant. She detested her more than anything. She had heard her say she loved Eli. She had heard Eli describe this situation as complicated. She felt bile rising in her throat. They were engaged there wasn't a complication.

Eli bit his tongue, afraid to counter. In fact he was irresolute what to utter or do. He had no idea how much Sara had heard. He felt like he had a pile of bricks in his stomach from the nervous tension. He didn't want to demolish Sara and more selfishly he had just lost Clare… again.

If he believed in God he'd assume he was really damn bored today to be throwing all this on him.

"Sara, I don't know what to say."

Eli felt anxious as she opened her mouth speaking with a precariously serene tone.

"I thought you handled it pretty well. I mean I didn't hear the whole conversation. Just apparently the girl you "barely knew" loves you. What the hell Eli? Who is she fucking really? My favorite part comes in at the "it's complicated" line. Haven't you people ever heard of closing a god damn door? Maybe then I wouldn't have realized you're a lying piece of shit that is ruining my life. You couldn't have turned out to be a bastard before I put a fucking deposit down on the reception hall?"

Eli recoiled and rubbed his hands tensely. He didn't dare speak back; he deserved this and much worse. In that same vein he realized Sara deserved the truth. He'd been selfish to conceal it and now it had turned his life into ruins. With a new found fortitude he made a long avoided choice. The wound was already discernible, might as well let her know how it got there.

"Sara, why don't you come into my room?" Sara glimpsed up with a jeer and debated internally. She didn't want to throw away their relationship without talking, but she also wanted to vomit on him. She also didn't want to get up from her sulking position in the hallway. It left her in a slight conundrum. Minutes of silence drug out achingly slow.

Eli reached his hand down to her after a long time has passed in uncomfortable stillness.

She disregarded his extended hand and trailed behind him. What she saw stunned her. There were piles and piles of objects shoved everywhere. She couldn't begin to ascertain all of the belongings, but there were notebooks and novels for days. Corners of picture stuck out underneath mountains of papers. She closed her eyes for a moment, unable to process the mess. It appeared to be completely covered except for the bed, a small pathway and a corner of the room.

"Sara, I've been keeping things to myself because I thought I was protecting you, but I realize I was just being selfish and protecting myself…"

"How do you have any empty space at all?"

"Clare helped me with those areas."

"Eli, what the fuck?" Sara's mind was fogged with confusion. A scarcely mentioned school pal had come over to clean his room. How did that lead to her having to articulate her love to him?

"Sara, there's a lot of stuff from my past…" Eli stopped to assemble his courage. "There's stuff about me I haven't ever told you because…I didn't want to complicate us. But, I can't. It's just. What you heard. I… I won't let you marry me without knowing who I really am."

Sara's eyes were still trying to take in the full room and her mind trying to wrap around this surging wave of disclosures crashing onto her.

"Is this place just a storage room now?"

"I have an issue with hoarding, Clare was the first person who knew, and she helped me clear part of this out when we were in school."

Sara's face altered from shock to compassion, "Eli why would you lie about this girl? And this? Eli why wouldn't you have told me this? Were you embarrassed?"

"Partially, I guess. Mostly it would raise more questions about my life, about Clare and inevitably Julia."

"Who the hell is Julia?" Sara spat out, she needed infinitely less unknown women in her fiancé's life; and she needed it now.

"Julia was my first love. . ." Eli paused and took a moment to mull over what to say. It had been a long time since he'd thought of Julia let alone talk about her. He looked deeply into Sara's narrowed eyes wishing she could read his mind.

Sara stared at him with a perplexed gaze, shaking her head in bewilderment. With an acidic tone she didn't know she possessed she opened her mouth, "Should I be expecting to overhear her confession of love next? Perhaps you two could sleep together, don't mind me. Maybe I'll just stay in the room to save us some time-"

She felt her body being swept up by the undertow. There was this unbelievable hopeless clutching to yesterday overtaking her body. She wanted to cry but all she could do was wobble from the effort of laboriously standing her ground; of not dashing away to the shelter of her bed.

"She…died."

Sara's mouth dropped open, remorse etched into every inch of her face.

"It's a longer story than I think we need to delve into now, but she was killed after we had a really terrible fight. Hoarding sort of was birthed out of my grief. . ."

Then something outlandish happened. Sara was covering Eli up in a hug and kissing his face. He became rigid from surprise. Shockwaves were ripping through Sara's body. How much did she not know about this man she loved? She felt incalculably culpable and livid. This conversation wasn't over by any means, but looking at him completely vulnerable and raw ignited a new wave of fondness in her. They would have to work hard to move past this, but she wouldn't let this dissolve. She was about to marry him and he didn't trust her with his past. She wanted to scream at him, but she also didn't want him to lock down. She shook her head and took a quiet breath. This was just an obstacle. Their first stumbling block, though admittedly this was a lot more convoluted than he forgot to screw on the toothpaste lid.

"Eli, how much of you have you been hiding?" Sara's heart began to fracture for other reasons than her fear he loved some high school friend. She felt like he had tried to make himself perfect because she wanted her life to be simply perfect from their anniversaries to their wedding colors.

"I just wanted to have a simpler life and that stuff always makes it harder. And then you came around-"

Sara's heart seemed lighter, "you did this because you didn't want me to run away," she whispered.

"Something like that," Eli garbled. Truth be told he wanted to end having to deal with the ache of reliving it, but losing Sara meant surrendering Clare was for naught.

"But Clare…Eli it sounded like more than just acquaintances and definitely more than just some writing buddy. Please, tell me you haven't…well you haven't been seeing her this whole time?"

He watched her holding her breath; bracing for an excruciating betrayal.

"No, I haven't been secretly in a relationship with her. We haven't talked in two years until this week. That is entirely true. Sara, please understand I'd never deliberately want to hurt you-"

Sara let out her breath and shook her head, as much as she wanted to angrily snap, she held back. Pointing fingers wouldn't repair anything.

"Clare was my writing partner. That was true too, but you're right. She's more, much more." Eli started trying to keep his voice composed. "She was "the one", and things. Things went wrong. They generally do with me. It was messy and destructive. For both of us. I can't lie and say I was the only one who experienced pain. It was disabling… literally."

"Another time." Eli thought with little interest in explaining the incident with Morty at the moment.

"And she couldn't let it go?" Sara finished softly and empathetically. She understood the power Eli's love had on her; she imagined it debilitated Clare as well. Slowly her face brightened in understanding as she seized Eli nearer. He was obviously terrified she'd be the next thing to go wrong in his life; she wouldn't do that to him, ever.

"Baby I am so sorry. For a minute I thought. Well I thought you were in love with her or something. I feel so stupid."

Eli was aghast. This was the exact opposite of how this exchange should be occurring. He looked into the expectant eyes in front of him. She was clasping onto him, her body imploring to not be let go. He allowed Clare's terms to wash over him. She wanted Sara and him to work; she had forfeited herself for them to work.

Sara was worn out. There was so much placed at their feet to sort through, metaphorically and physically she thought. Holding him made it seem so easy though. They would endure this, they had to. There was another crippling heaviness pressing down on her as she reflected on what else lay in wait behind the face of someone she loved so completely and irrevocably. His opening up to her felt like a clean start to their relationship. She took consolation in knowing he must love her just as much.

"I just needed you to know. This is me." His head was whirling through the murky backdrop of uncertainty surrounding them.

"So, any other secrets?"

Eli considered everything that had ensued this week; it came rushing back in a flourish of shared and mystifying experience. Sara twisted in the hotel sheets, peering up at him like he was the only person in the world who had ever mattered. He remembered the pit in his stomach as he saw Clare's name scribbled in Sara's hand; Adam's consoling words that fit him much better than their horrible tuxedos. Sara's innocent mentioning of Clare's name rang in his ear. He tasted the bitter mingling of vodka, whiskey and sweat and smelled the musty paneling in the bar. He glimpsed the bitter look of anger that flashed in Alli's eyes. He felt the searing fear he had lost Clare forever and the towering amnesty of her in his arms. The tingle of her pitiless slap still on his cheek, the faint copper from the cut on his lip under her ruthless ministration coursed through him.

His heart felt buoyant for one flash thinking on those whispered declarations, but became heavy hurriedly as he saw the resignation and resolve in those same charming sapphire eyes that looked at him with a silent adoration. He let their dying love skitter to a corner of his mind to slowly vanquish into a dark memory; a nightmare of affection vanished.

He looked not at the woman in his arms but past her, noting the toppled notebooks and boxes of memories. Balancing on top was a c.d that caused his stomach to pitch. He knew it was an absurd assignment, but it had his earliest kiss with Clare on it.

"How fitting," he contemplated cynically, "The final one occurred mere feet from it." In this moment of comprehension and reflection, he knew what he should do; what he had to do. This was for the best.

He swallowed treacherously before unevenly replying, "No."

Sara beamed vibrantly, feeling a colossal burden plummet from her shoulders and turned to saunter out of the cluttered room. She wasn't certain where they went from here, but she took comfort in knowing they were going there together.

"I'm irretrievably in love with Clare, but I think anyone with eyes should be able to see that, so it's hardly clandestine," he sputtered.

"Better to rip the band-aid off in one quick motion," he reasoned in his mind.

Sara's face crumbled like piece of recently tossed bit of paper. Her eyes shimmered with unshed tears and she sensed her body start to shudder. She couldn't physically have stopped breathing, and yet she felt the air fixed in her throat. It was like she had been kicked in the abdomen, doubling over in annihilation.

"Eli, we're getting married," she choked out in a snivel.

"And if you can live with knowing all of this and still stride down that aisle to me-"

"I love you," Sara howled." Please Eli, look at me. I know you don't want to do this."

"Sara I said I'd marry you…this is killing me to upset you but you deserve to know. I can't let you do this without knowing, everything."

She felt her hands deaden. It felt as if the entire world was closing in to smother her; everything was being ripped away from her.

"Please, Eli- I could try harder. I could make you love me more. I know it. I'm sorry you felt like you had to lie, but I forgive you. I can handle it. All of it. Just don't walk away from me. Please. I can't live without you…please" Sara was in hysteria, trembling with a wild stare in her eyes.

Eli didn't remember an instance when he felt like a worse person and with his history he found that extraordinarily disheartening. He wanted to love her, she was perfect. He said he would, had given her expectation that he still would. But as soon as he had made up his mind to walk out his door hand in hand with her it had happened. He had noticed Clare's coat resting in his sheets and he wished it to be her above anything. She was a girl who already knew the worst of him and wanted to see more. In a small number of days he had been more open with Clare after not speaking for two years than he had in his whole time of knowing Sara. He knew he'd only ever feel Clare's touch again or smell her shampoo. He wouldn't let Sara be with a shell of a man possessed by another. She deserved more. Clare merited more. He needed to get as far away from both of them as achievable; he didn't want to be the source of any more wounds. Not ever again.

He knew it wasn't just. It was malicious to deconstruct this beautiful individual in front of him, but he couldn't continue this self-inflicted anguish. He wouldn't do it. It wasn't fair to anyone and enough harm had been caused already. He wasn't going to lie to her for a lifetime.

Sara eyed him frantically. It became increasingly clear that he wasn't going to change his mind. She couldn't inhale, couldn't feel anything. She felt like she was diminishing. With a stagger, banging into piles of papers, she sprinted out of the house and down the street. She ran until she could only feel the hammering in her head. She entered a nearby cab and unevenly spoke out the hotel's name.

She had to leave. It was all a lie. It wasn't real, it couldn't be. She wanted to never be in the vicinity of anything that reminded her of Eli ever again. She'd burn the whole province down if she had to.

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**A/N Poor Sara, I was determined to not make her awful and unlikable and now I sort of wish I had so I wouldn't feel so bad. This one was a toughy to edit. anyways...[reviewing makes your skin glow]**

**Next Chapter: Happy**


	11. Happy

**A/N: Hey everyone who may or may not still be reading this story. Well, it has been forever. I have a sweet excuse. I moved cross country and my computer crashed. I've only recently been able to get a new one. So I really want to finish this story this weekend. I hope that you will continue to read and support it.  
>.<strong>

_"Cry about the love we used to have_  
><em>Cry that I won't ever get you back<em>  
><em>Filling up my empty days with red wine<em>  
><em>Wonder what you think of me?<em>

_I'm so happy for you_  
><em>I could cry<em>  
><em>Yeah, I'm so elated<em>  
><em>Cross my heart and hope to die<em>  
><em>I don't think about you every night<em>  
><em>Before I close my eyes<em>  
><em>I'm so happy for you baby,<em>  
><em>I could cry."<em>

_-_**Happy, Saving Jane**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Alli peered doubtfully at Clare, "Are you sure? I could stay over."

Clare smiled appreciatively, "Thanks but I'm starting to get bored crying all over you."

"Strangely, my new favorite activity," Alli taunted.

Clare shoved Alli out the door, "Go forth, live. I'll rejoin society tomorrow. I promise."

Alli turned around and hugged her tightly one more time. "Promise you'll call if you need anything, even just help finding the remote?"  
>Clare nodded and with a small wave Alli slipped out to her car.<p>

Closing the door with a sigh she looked around the house, unsure what to do next. Her fingers ran gently across the wallpaper, ghosting over patterns. She felt strangely calm. Telling Eli everything had made her feel lighter; freer. Of course turning around to lose him had felt like she'd been shoved into a dark abyss, only she hadn't lost him. She had given him away freely. Her lips turned up slightly into a gentle smile. Knowing that she had done the right thing eased the pain, but only just. After a morning sobbing on poor Alli she had straightened up, prepared to pick up the pieces of her life. Somehow she had unraveled from the calm, collected university student to a sloppy, shell of a woman. Instead of a deep bleeding gash in her side, she imagined Eli like a bruise. Sure it was marring, but it would only hurt when pressed against. If she ignored it and treated it delicately it would fade to nothing without causing her any more pain.

She slipped into the shower to wash away the lingering scent of him against her skin begrudgingly.

She was pretty sure her suitcase wasn't going to shut. Sara was frantically throwing in anything that was hers as quickly as possible. She had to get into a different hotel, at least until tomorrow night's flight. Hopping up and down against the top of her suitcase she managed to force the zipper almost completely shut. Quickly she scanned the room to check for anything missing.  
>It was then she spotted it. She crossed to the desk near the bed. The bright yellow book lay mocking her with its exceptionally cheerful cover. Her stomach lurched as she let her fingers brush the cover of her wedding planning book. Tears began to build behind her eyes again. She shook her head.<p>

"No," she thought, "no more tears for that bastard." Even as she thought it she knew it wasn't true. She just wanted to keep it together until she could be safely in her mom's arms. She couldn't' let him have any more than he'd already taken.

"I hate you," Sara shouted before throwing the book hard against the wall.

It slid down the wall with little concern for Sara's outburst. She frowned and went to pick it up to put it into the trash. For a moment she allowed herself to flip through the pages, smiling at the wedding she had thought would be perfect. Her eyes skimmed a few pages before she froze. Her hands were shaking and the tears threatened to fall again. She quickly grabbed her suitcase and rushed from the room dropping her key in the room, saying goodbye to Eli for the last time.

Eli sat on the edge of his bed. He wanted to give Sara time to pack and leave the hotel. He knew she wouldn't want to see him again. He rubbed his neck gently and tapped his foot against the floor. He needed to swap his plane ticket so he could escape here as soon as possible. It amazed him that in one week he had broken his life into shambles and now he sat among the pieces.

He had tried to forget Clare but had finally told her the truth, which caused her to leave so he could get married.

He had lied to Sara but had finally told the truth, which caused the wedding to be a non-issue.

Clare was still too good for him which made his apparent single status a description unlikely to change in the near future. He wasn't in any position to come around her again. He had seen what he could accomplish in a short interaction with her, he shuddered to think the damage he could cause with more time.

He paced slightly erratically while debating the next course of action as the Earth hadn't decided just to swallow him whole like he wished. If he could just get Clare then it would be worth it, but every time he went near Clare everything went to shit. With a new found resolution he gathered up his courage and stalked out of the house.

Clare sat on her floor of her room rolling the past week in her head. The finality of Eli and her was refreshing but decidedly upsetting. After all this time and all the courage it took for her to reveal her feelings to Eli, she sat here with nothing.

"At your hands," Clare chided herself. The truth was though she loved Eli; their relationship was nothing sort of combustible at all moments. On top of that she didn't think she could live with the guilt of breaking apart a marriage, not after watching her own family dissolve. As much as it annoyed her Clare knew she just needed to put on a pretty face and be happy at the wedding. Then subsequently turn around and act like she had never met those two.

The knock at the door startled her from her reverie.

She wasn't sure what possessed her, really. She was just going to walk by and let it go. Or something. She definitely wasn't going to engage further in the Eli devastation.

She certainly wasn't going to slap the face of a near stranger after spotting bruises all along her neck.

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.

And yet here she stood panting as a wide eye, frightened girl shook before her brushing her finger tips against her enflamed skin. Sara didn't know what happened. Somewhere between Eli's stabbing betrayal glancing down at Clare's address in the wedding planner she had lost her mind. It hadn't meant to escalate into this odd western gun slinger show down. In fact she thought she'd back away quickly, embarrassed when Clare opened the door because she was after all behaving like a complete lunatic.

Then she saw the hickeys. They were almost purple against the pale column of her neck and the bile began to rise. There had been more than just whispered confessions and it made her livid and disgusted.

"You broke this. I hope you're happy." Sara yelled shaking before stumbling backwards and sprinting as far as she could, desperate to escape yet again.

Clare looked at the retreating figure, guilt washing all over her. Her face stung, her heart was beating all too quickly in fear and confusion, and her mind reeled at the incident. Should she go after her. Not without weaponry or Ali.

Very slowly she stepped back into her house and slipped up the stairs. Her mind no longer was the serene lake she had desperately sacrificed to make it. She was back to the tumultuous storm that was Eli. And the would they, won't they game had to dissolved into nothing more than rubble of cruelty. She knew that look in Sara's eye; she had seen the same deadened, vacant expression in her own before. Sara was broken, completely shattered.

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And it was Clare's fault.


	12. White Blank Page

**A/N: We're back and it feels so right. I'm ready to wrap up our tale and move on to the next. For those who read/favorited/reviewed THANKYOUSOMUCH. It means the world. As usual, I own nothing.**

_"But tell me now where was my fault_

_In loving you with my whole heart?"_

_White Blank Page- Mumford And Sons_

_._

_._

_._

_._

Eli didn't know what he was going to say when he got to Clare's. He just knew he had to say something. Due to their history of even his well-rehearsed words steering things wrong this didn't bode well in his mind.

He paused at the end of her driveway. "What am I doing?" He began to walk backwards realizing he was doing the opposite of what Clare wanted him to do, like usual. When did he learn to stop being selfish and let her live the life she deserved. His feet betrayed his mind, "apparently not today," he said aloud to nobody as his fist rapped against her front door.

No answer.

He tried again. Was she avoiding him? Maybe she was with Alli? In what he realized moments later to be a completely stalkerish move he walked towards her room and scaled the fire ladder nearby. He flushed for a moment remembering the last time he had used this. It had been to sneak into Clare's room to read her a story that couldn't wait until the next day. Shaking his head of the reflection he continued into her room. No sign of Clare. A sudden vibration caused him to jump. Her phone lit up on her desk. Alli's smiling face looked up on him feeling him with a sense of guilt. She would so kick his ass if she knew he had snuck into Clare's room. Hell, he should kick his own ass for it. He had a jilted ex-fiancé somewhere in the near vicinity and a presumably hurt ex-girlfriend not much further away. The phone vibrated again. Wherever Clare was she didn't have her phone.

He scanned her room with a slight smile. It was still delicate, but littered with an occasional empty bottle and scraps of paper. Clare but older; it felt right to be there. Although, he realized with a start, if her mom walked in he would be sitting in jail. He quickly backtracked towards the window and tripped over a small open box. Upon further inspection he realized it was a shoe box overflowing with scraps of papers and photos. Sitting on top was his wedding invitation and the last piece of writing he had given her. Scrawled at the bottom, "yours Eli." Exhaling the breath he didn't know he had been holding he grabbed it, shoved it deep in his front pocket, and scurried down the ladder.

His feet hit the ground and he felt his heart pounding against his chest. What was he doing? In one moment he had realized that every promise he had made to take care of Clare and protect her from everything, most importantly himself had been shattered by his absurdity. He shook his head and started stalking quickly from the house. He should've been trying to convince Sara to talk this out and begging for forgiveness for being the most awful man who'd ever lived.

"Not again."

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Sara sighed deeply and rolled the wine around in her mouth. It was bitter, deep, and red. She sat at the hotel bar waiting for the confirmation that her flight had been changed. She wanted to leave as quickly as possible and never see this God forsaken town again. She ran her hand over her hair nervously. She was on edge but didn't know why. It was like she was waiting at the diving board but didn't know how to swim and at any moment she'd give shoved in. Every stranger who walked in caused her heart to leap in her chest in fear that it be Clare or maybe hope it was Eli. She laughed bitterly to nobody. Eli had made his choice.

Biting her bottom lip to keep from crying she slowly replayed the agonizing details of the last few hours. Strangely the part that rubbed the wounds raw was discovering how little she actually knew about this man she had planned to spend her life with. In all this time he had never even hinted at these buried demons. It was as if he was two people. There was her fiancé and then there was this other Eli, the one who had ex-lovers, dead lovers, mental fragility, and a ticking time bomb where a heart should be. She had been about to start her life with a complete stranger and the thought sickened her.

Clare. "Fucking Clare," she thought angrily. Had she not invited her none of this would have happened. She would still have her perfect life, the perfect day, and the perfect marriage. That was the plan. A small, cruel grin crossed her face as she recalled the burning in her flesh as he wet hand collided with the pale face. If nothing else Clare would remember the day she broke a stranger's heart.

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Clare sat under a stone archway in the deserted lot watching the rain pour. Her hair clung to her face where a dull ache resided. She hadn't been the victim of many personal assaults, but she had to assume Sara had a lot of strength in her small frame. She didn't know why she was here, she just needed to get away. She couldn't be trapped in her house with questions, and phone calls. She wanted to be alone letting only the woods be witness to her shame.

She hated herself forever for admitting she wanted nothing more than Eli to be waiting for her at home. As sick as it was, she got a small thrill from Sara's vindictive attack. Though she felt she deserved it and far worse, she couldn't help but smile realizing it had to have ended. Sara must have found out and ended the whole engagement.

"What is my problem?" Clare muttered. Just because he was single didn't mean anything and more pressingly why did she think it was ok to rush in after a man who just hours ago was engaged. "When did my moral compass stop working?"

Clare blanched. She hadn't considered the alternative. There was her delusional version where suddenly true love from years ago conquers all and somehow glazes over the sleazy groping. Then there was the part where Eli rushes after Sara realizing the error he made and begs her to come back.

Just as Clare thought she would cry no more tears ever, they came back frenzied, hot, and resentful. She grabbed a nearby rock and slung it as far as she could into the clearing just for some way to release everything. It didn't help.

"Ow."

**A/N: We're back! You should review it makes you smile {possible?}**


	13. Somewhere Only We Know

**A/N Thank you, Thank you, Thank You for reading/reviewing. Really makes my day. Own Nothing.**

_**"Oh simple thing where have you gone?  
>I'm getting old and I need something to rely on<br>So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
>I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin<strong>_

_**And if you have a minute why don't we go  
>Talk about it somewhere only we know?<br>This could be the end of everything  
>So why don't we go"<strong>_

_-Somewhere Only We Know, Keane_

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"Ok I deserve that…I'm just not sure how you knew it was me.."

Clare's eyes widened staring at Eli standing about ten feet away in the clearing, pouring rain enveloping his frame. He approached slowly and stopped as Clare folded into herself wiping tears with the back of her hands.

"What are you doing here? How did you know I was here?"

"Honestly...I wasn't trying to find you," Eli glanced at Clare's crumpling face, " I mean I went to your house, but I realized I didn't want to hurt you anymore," Eli paused fishing out the scrap of paper with difficulty due to the weather and brandishing it about haphazardly," I just wanted to go somewhere…"

"Do you remember when we found this place?" Clare interrupted.

Clare blushed; it had been so long ago in the very start of their relationship. Eli had jokingly told Adam he had stolen her innocence or some other absurdity before it became the site of Adam's grand scheme to woo Fiona. She chuckled. How many things had changed, and staring up at an increasingly soaked Eli, how much had stayed the same. Eli noted the blush and took advantage to come closer, but then stopped suddenly.

"Come here?"

"What?"

"Come here?" Eli said louder, though he was only about five feet away now the storm was picking up momentum and thunder filled the air.

"I..I can't" Clare shouted back. She wanted to, every part of her willed her body to move but her mind, recalling every other chapter of her romance novel with Eli forbade it.

"I can't meet you all the way Clare, you're going to have to come here."

Clare looked at her hands, stained with dirt from the rocks she had been hurling earlier. This whole situation was so ridiculous. How could she be so obsessed with a man she had until recently been able to push away into the corner of her mind?

She shoved the bangs from her forehead and peered up at him from under the stone arch with a quirked eyebrow. "Why?"

"Clare, I need you to come here."

"I can't, Eli. I don't even know what's happening here, but I know this is all insane."

Eli's shoulders slumped. He shoved his hands as easily as he could into his front pockets and began to walk slowly backwards. It was simple enough he reasoned, if she couldn't make a five foot walk, than she certainly couldn't make the effort it would take to try and salvage something workable from this mess. He felt a normally rare sting in the corner of his eyes as tears threatened to fall. She had torn him apart before, he could survive it again. This time he wouldn't let a Sara in his life. No point in ruining anyone else's happiness…again.

The pivot was a little more difficult with the gathering puddles muddying the ground, but recovering from a stumble Eli began to walk away. The sky crackled violently above him and for a second he felt the universe acknowledge the pain.

When her arms encircled his waist turning him around to face him Eli was partially convinced he was hallucinating.

"I'm here. I'm here…." Clare panted slightly.

"I've always wanted to kiss you in the rain," Eli murmured pausing before swooping in to conquer Clare's gentle mouth. "You're beautiful," he whispered. Clare flushed and pressed against him tightly.

"It's cold."

Eli wrapped her tightly into his arms. Gently he lifted her chin up and began to press sweet kisses against her forehead, cheeks, and nose.

"Every inch of you is absolutely perfect."

"I would hardly say perf-" Her lips were captured by a gentle tug as Eli attempted to draw her in to another dance. She felt her breath catch as a hand slithered up her back and began to peel her heavy, wet sweater off.

"msorry" Eli muttered against her lips as the sweater hit the dirt.

"I don't care," Clare pulled way as she peeled Eli's jacket off, for a moment she stilled, peering into the eyes that had always been able to break her apart.

Green met blue as white struck against a gray background as some silent contract was sealed.

Eli's hands slid under the thin shirt that clung against Clare's back as she pushed against him, pressing his back against a crumbled remainder of a stone wall. He shivered feeling the rough rock through his v-neck. He pulled back for a moment, trying to calm his erratic breathing. He let his fingers trail down the frail arms of Clare before looking back at her face searching for any signs of hesitancy. Her lips were swollen, her eyes wide, and her breasts heaving. Within a second his hands were back on her. Eli assaulted her mouth as his hands grasped her breasts. With a moan, Clare arched into him while removing her hands from his neck. She stepped back and stripped her tshirt off of her trembling body.

Eli held his breath. Before him stood the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, and for some reason not only was she near him but she was undressing. Clare's shirt fell with a thick thud to the ground. Her skin flushed self-consciously.

"…no."

Clare swallowed loudly, "pardon"

Eli shook himself, " I mean no, never ever think you're not the sexiest person who has ever lived…I got distracted by…" Eli stopped and instead reached to drag her flush against him. Once again he trailed his lips against the column of her gentle neck bruising the skin there, hoping to show the world who she truly belonged to. Clare moaned breathily and dragged the bottom hem of his black shirt slowly over his back. She let it fall against her own t-shirt on the ground. Above them the lighting crackled and Clare jumped.

"We should get inside," Eli muttered half-heartedly as he continued to press kissed down her collarbone and top of her breasts. He slowly folded the right bra cup over so he could drag his lips across her nipple. His teeth began to tug gently on the tender flesh.

"Eli..." Clare whispered.

"I know inside. whole" Eli responded pulling away. He grunted as Clare pulled him back so forcefully they fell over.

"Ugh," Eli shook his head spreading water and dirt over Clare.

"Eli!" Clare laughed, trying to rub the dirt off of her stomach.

He dragged his nose from her navel, through her cleavage up to her lips. "Maybe if you don't want to get dirty you shouldn't play in mud."

Clare rolled her eyes and slowly unhooked his belt. Pulling it out of his loops she watched as his eyes widened.

"..C..clare."

"...please Eli.."

Eli felt his knees quiver, it was lucky he was already on the ground between her legs because had he been standing he would've already fallen on the ground begging her to let him continue touching her. He looked into her eyes as she continued to writhe against him, throwing his belt over her shoulder. He caught his breath again, "who the hell possessed his Clare,"

His hands ripped her bra over her head much to her surprise as she shrieked while his mouth encircled her hardening nipple.

"Eli…" Clre breathed.

Eli began to work the nub between his teeth while slowly unbuttoning her jeans. The button slipped free and despite his mouth's successful ministrations he felt his hand still over her pants. Clare continued to moan loudly and buck against his mouth. As much as he wanted it, there was something about going further than above her pants that sent Eli into panic mode. He had no idea how this had even happen and he didn't want to mess it up by pressing too far.

Clare looked up through half closed eyes, confused by both his stilling and why she was half naked in mud with her ex-lover.

"Not like this," Eli pulled back and brought Clare up with him. He retrieved her now soaked and dirtied shirt from the ground and pulled it with difficulty over her top. He did the same with his own shirt. Clare's eyes narrowed in confusion and slight hurt.

"What-"

"Clare. I am in love with you. I'm not trying to have sex with you in the middle of a forest tonight and then act like we found some closure. I want you to tell me we can make this work somehow, I want to kiss you until we fall asleep…preferably somewhere dry and I want sex with me to not be this regret you have next week," he paused and continued before Clare could talk," I know you think this is insane and you're probably right, but in one week you've turned everything in my life upside down and made me...well me, for better or worse, again. I want that all the time and I want it for keeps. I'm not letting you in if you're just going to walk right back out my life again once we leave town…"

Eli exhaled deeply. He hadn't talked that much at one time in longer than he could remember. He felt dizzy, like he was drunk or had been up for way too long. Everything was the clearest and most confusing it had ever been.

"I'm not promising you forever," Clare began gently," I don't want to make some promise I can't keep. I can promise you I've never stopped loving you in all this time, and I don't think I could ever stop. You're not going to be regret ever. The only regret I would ever have is if I let you walk away again. Eli, what if you didn't come back to me the next time?"

"Not possible."

The rain continued to pound around them as the two stood shivering.

"Have faith in me?" Eli murmered pleadingly.

"I never stopped," Clare responded gently with a kiss.

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**A/N Reviews make you taller! {nottrue}**


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